Let me start out by saying that this isn't an article trying to persuade you that school is not meant for people with depression. This is an article to make you think, 'is this what I really want, or is this what I think I'm conditioned to do?'
I never wanted to attend college, let's get that out of the way. Academics have never been my strong suit, and it's only done more harm than it has good to my self-worth and mental health.
I'm barely holding on, and I don't care about my classes. I'm probably going to graduate with a 2.0 and work customer service for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. I wish I could start now, but I have one year left. And, despite how badly I want to drop out, how stupid would that be? Three years, 25 credits left and dropped out.
I was always told that college is the plan. Doesn't matter where, just that I had to get there; preferably a year after high school, and preferably within a certain price range. I was supposed to attend college, I went to a college preparatory, private school.
I went into college wanting a degree in English literature, and a degree in English literature I shall receive. I didn't go into college wanting a degree that will get me a job I knew I wanted, I just knew I liked English the best out of all my classes in high school and I was good at it.
I love editing my friends' papers, so I thought, 'maybe I'll go into editing.' Fun fact: I really don't want to. I don't know what I want to do, and because I don't know what I want to do, it's absolutely impossible to stay motivated; there's no goal, there's no endgame. I get a piece of paper and then what?
Re-take some classes so I have a higher GPA to get into grad school? To do what? I hate writing academic papers, I'm semi-decent, but if I couldn't bring myself to turn in a seven-page essay this semester, how could I turn in an entire 20+ page thesis statement?
This last year in school has made me more depressed than I ever was. My friends are optimistic about their future, they have high ambitions for their goals and how to attain them. Some of them that have already graduated have had promising steps towards their dreams.
I'm going to end up like the barista at my local Starbucks who told me they double majored in physics and chemistry almost ten years ago. I recently got told by an acquaintance that I could, "switch my major to something that makes [me] happy; something [I] find joy in," and I don't think they realized that it's the academic world itself that's making me depressed, not my field.
It's the act of paying somebody to give you hours worth of work that drains your existence, and probably won't benefit you, that I hate. I love reading and analyzing literature, it's why I'm semi-decent in my program.
However, I feel forced to do it. I haven't read a book for fun since I was 17. I came into this program because I love reading, but I haven't finished a book I started on my own will since I was 17 years old. When all I do in school is read, why would I do it at home? Being in school killed my only hobby.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: college isn't for everybody, and if it's making you extremely depressed and not care about your grades or what you'll do, you should probably drop out for your best interest. I'm wasting money staying in school for a degree I don't care about anymore, but you shouldn't have to.
- What It's REALLY Like To Fail Out Of College ›
- Dealing with Depression and Anxiety In College ›
- I Don't Regret Dropping Out Of School ›
- The Fear Of Dropping Out ›