We spend a few short weeks together, but it felt like years. You told me about what you wanted for your future as I told you want I wanted. We started talking about plans for the upcoming weekends and even wanting to plan a summer vacation together even if it was for a few short days. I was falling more in love with you every day, even though you did not know it at the time, since I was too scared to say it. Everything seemed to be going great until I hit a rough patch in my life.
You could not handle me at my worst. When I had nowhere to turn you ran away just like the rest of the world. After you told me you would stick by me through anything, that you wanted a future with me, I found out the true person you were. You were not the I will always be there kind of person, the caring, loving person you claimed to be when things were going great.
When I needed you the most, you would ignore my text messages, not answer my calls even worst send it right to voicemail when I called; there was no returned phone calls, or texts nor did you ever think to show up to surprise me. The select few times I would get a response from you, you would claim you did not have time for me, that work was taking over your life.
This is when I realized that I do not need you, I wanted you. I wanted you to be around me, I wanted a response from you, I wanted to hear your voice, I wanted to hear that you wanted to be with me and that I meant the world to you. I have realized this want was putting me into a deeper darker place than I already was. Wanting you was the problem because you did not want what I wanted.
Though the feelings have not changed much, because I still want you. I know that wanting and needing someone in your life are two completely different things. You need someone in your life that will stick with you through the good times and the bad times. That will never leave your side especially when you hit rock bottom.
The next time when I decide that I want another man in my life, I will make sure that he is the right one to give all my love to. I will make sure he can handle me at my roughest times, when I am in that dark place again. I will not let him in my heart if he can not handle me during the roughest times. I believe in the saying, “If you can’t handle me during my worst, you don’t’ deserve me at my best.” This quote has a lot of meaning to it, as I have heard it a million times, I did not understand its true meaning until now.
