Confessions of a Fake Blonde

There is nothing more stressful than being a fake blonde. People with naturally blonde hair could never understand the pain I go through daily trying to assimilate in a world of rootless platinum girls dominating the scene. Some people may say "You chose that life," but I can assure you that it chose me. I was predisposed to be a fake blonde in life and although it was a rough journey, the results are fabulous.

The first struggle I find with being a fake blonde is the dark roots that creep out of my scalp every month. They are equivalent to satan because they are as dark as his soul. There's this old saying that "a little root never hurt nobody," but when its half way down my hair length it gets to be a little discerning to some people, including myself. People come up to me and say "Girl you need to do something about them roots!" and I'm like "Girl you got $200 for me?" I aim to get my hair did every two months because I don't have money like that so everyone has to learn to suffer until the time comes.

Being a fake blonde has turned me into a liar. When I walk out of the hair salon with my roots freshly done, I feel inclined to automatically tell everyone its natural. Once I was in the grocery store and me and this one woman were looking at spinach and she glances at my hair for point two seconds so I belted out "It's real." I have even been able to convince my mother it was real and she saw my natural brown hair from the start.

Being a fake blonde also means I have to act dumber than I actually am. No one would believe my 'blondeness' if I was acting intelligent. People will eat with me for lunch and I have to ask something stupid like "How many calories does water have?" in order to keep them entrenched in my lie.

Something else that I hate about being a fake blonde is all the purple shampoo I go through. That stuff is so expensive and if I don't use it my hair will be as brassy as a penny within a week after getting it done. And then I have to explain to my roommates just why my shampoo is purple, which means I have to trust them with my deepest darkest secret of being a fake blonde.

It is such a struggle to be a fake blonde in this world. The stigma of fake blondes needs to end because at the end of the day we just want to be something we are not. I see no harm in that. Hair colors of all kind need to come together, fake or not, and live in perfect harmony. I promise to keep getting my roots done, if everyone else promises to keep the world safe for fake blondes like me.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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