Ahh, Halloween! All Hallows Eve! The evolved festival of Samhain (pronounced Sah-win, you heathens)! All this month, I have provided you with guides to protect yourself from the creatures of evil so that you may gorge yourself on delicious candy without fear! Well, tonight is the one night of the year when the dead may return to earth… so, time to put all those skills to the test! And, tonight is the night when the peskiest, haunting, violent and downright scary of the foes will show their undead heads: VAMPIRES!

THIS IS THE LAST OF THE HEEDING!!! THE DIREST!!! HEED THE WORDS, PEOPLE! HEED THEM!!!... LIKE REALLY, HEED THEM! HEEEED THEEEEEM!

You Will Need (the weapons to do the deed)…

Garlic, a cross and Bible, holy water, a stake and hammer, a sword (bonus of the blade is silver), access to sunlight, a keen survival instinct.

Bonus: Wolve's Bane, a hawthorn bush (which provided Christ with his crown of thorns), access to a church or cathedral (for a safe haven), throwing blades, throwing stakes, double-tipped stakes, silver stakes, battle axes, a UV Lamp, a bow and arrow, a crossbow, graveyard dirt, Holy Water-filled water guns, flamethrower, rocket launcher, or a hunga munga (Buffy style!)

Identifying a Vampire.

Identifying a vampire can be tricky, as you may not know the iteration of the vampire at the start of your hunt — a classic, Bela Lugosi vampire is MUCH different from the kind you see in the Blade franchise, and even further from the Twilight saga. The key tell-tale signs are the following: A pasty complexion, reclusiveness, obsessiveness, a keen taste for red meat or "wine," a dislike of holy objects, garlic or daylight. When in doubt, THE DAYLIGHT TEST. Pretty much ALL vampires (except for a few) can be destroyed by sunlight (destroyed, not killed. They are already dead.)

Protecting yourself from a Vampire.

If you ever find yourself cornered by a vampire, the go-to methods for repelling the undead are numerous. Most iterations of vampires are repelled by garlic. These can be cloves or garlic trees — bonus if you can fashion a defensive spray or explosive out of garlic (perhaps a perfume?). Even stronger than garlic is holy symbols, such as a crucifix and holy bible. When paired together, the Nosferatu will have no choice but to run away.

Burning a Vampire.

To let a night crawler know you mean business, you must go on the offensive. When straight up fire is not an option, you may be able to burn a vampire's flesh in one of two ways: exposing it to direct sunlight, or dousing it with Holy Water. Also, if you touch a cross or bible to a vampire's flesh, it will also burn -- this can also be used in ID-ing a bloodsucker.

Killing a Vampire.

The only way to know that you are rid of your undead foe is to dispatch it for good. As history and Hollywood magic have done their work, there are many ways to destroy a vampire. The original way to do so is to track a vampire to its hideaway and either desecrate their resting place (coffin, crypt, or otherwise) with fire, holy water or symbols and/or a blessing. Thusly preventing the monster from returning to their bed before the sun rises. If you come across the vamp in its sleeping form, the old-fashioned wooden stake through the heart could be your go to. Even OLDER methods included this, along with decapitation, and stuffing the mouth with garlic (yikes!).

Other methods using the tools listed earlier: shooting it through the heart (wooden projectiles. Can miss the heart if silver or blessed), cutting off the head (sword or other creative means), the Buffy-style staking (hand-to-hand combat), drowning in running water, tricking into ingesting garlic, holy water, or graveyard dirt, and many others… (binge some movies and use your imagination).

Warning: The Aftermath.

Depending on the style of vampire, the destruction could lead to some colorful, violent ends. Something as quick and clean as turning to ash or dust, all the way up to full-fledged explosion (expect this if you take out the leader)! Be ready. Plan accordingly!

Be safe out there this Halloween, Y'all. Show the spooks roaming the streets who da' boss is. Happy hunting and slaying.

Happy Halloween!