At the start of every school year, whether you’re a freshman or a super-senior, you make a bunch of promises to yourself.

Well, that’s all well and good, but if you’re a normal student, which I'm sure you are because we’re all on the spectrum of less than average most of the time, then you won’t actually keep those promises. In other words, you’re a liar. I hope you’re proud of the life you live now.

How many lies have you committed already this semester?

1. “I’ll be better at time management!”

Oh, no no honey. If you have to tell yourself this will improve, you’re lying to yourself. You’re a creature of habit and you leave everything until the last minute in order to ensure that you have precisely 10,000 things due in a 12-hour span of time, just like you’ve been doing since high school. Good luck with that!!

2. “I’ll do all my assignments thoroughly and on time!”

You’ll feel like you have your life together long enough for you to color-code your agenda book, and buy a desk calendar. But then everything goes wrong when you lose your agenda, and just have no motivation to do any work ever again.

3. “I’ll be more open-minded to new things and experiences”

Nah. You and I both know that you’re going to stick around the same people you’ve known for 3 years, and you’re going to low-key be judging the frat and sorority members, along with anyone who plays sports, or basically does anything you DON’T do. But it’s fine, as long as it’s only a low-key judgment it can’t be that bad….right?

4. “I’m going to make tons of new friends and find the love of my life.”

Buddy, what are you even thinking? This isn’t a movie, life doesn’t work that way. You’re going to be too swamped with lying to yourself and complaining about all the work you have to do but are not doing. At least your friends that you already have won’t leave you because they act the same way.

5. “This is the year I really build up my savings!”

OK, yeah. Whatever you say Ms. “I-Have-No-Money-But-Also -I-Really-Need-This-$70-TShirt”. You know that restaurant week is extremely tempting, and you know that groceries cost a lot, and you know that you’re going to spend more than you make- and you know that you have poor self-control. It’s just a natural occurrence, don’t try to fight the flow.

6. “I’m going to be a CEO-Veterinarian-Social Worker- Astronaut…Trust me.”

Ah, yes the sweet smell of over-ambition. Let’s face it, you probably won’t even add a single thing to your resume this year, apart from learning how to eat 3 food groups at one time.

7. “I won’t miss home at all, I’m a big girl I can do this on my own”

…said between frantic calls home and thoughts of running away and hiding under your bed forever. It’s OK that you need to visit and call home often, considering that’s where the result of your lies is going to have you end up.

8. “I’m going to drop 30 pounds in 3 weeks!”

What fantasy land do you live in!? The only thing you’re going to drop is the zipper on your pants because you can’t sit comfortably with them zipped after eating your 12^th Taco Bell $5 Box in a row as you leave a permanent imprint of your butt on the couch.

9. “I'm going to have a regular sleep schedule and feel rested all the time”

HA! And while you’re at it, check to see if the sky starts falling too, because the chance of either of these things happening is about the same. You’re going to stay up until 3 AM when you have a 10 AM class the next day, and you’re going to complain all day how tired you are, but then you’ll continue to do the same thing.

Even if you've been lying to yourself, it's fine. We're all in the same boat. But honestly, we'll all get to where we need to be. So watch another episode of Parenthood on Netflix, and order that whole pizza just for yourself because dominos is having a sale. You may be lying to yourself, but it's only because you know you can handle it.