I've started to ask my friends how they celebrate Christmas. The majority of my friends are children to first generation immigrants, just like me. I see the same emotion I feel inside-- an ambivalent and passive joy.

I've also asked my non-immigrant friends how they celebrate Christmas and it's the opposite emotion-- one of pure and genuine joy. Their description sounds exactly like the movies and their houses look exactly how the movies have it.

Growing up I always looked forward to Christmas because that's what you are supposed to do. That's what the movies say to do. But each year I would be disappointed because I always felt a disconnect in my Christmas. I never felt that Christmas spirit, no matter what I did. It just feels like any other day but with a tinge of sadness because you feel that you should be happier because it is a special day but you aren't and somehow you just can't. I remember sitting in alone in my room in a red and white striped shirt and a Santa hat in the corner and just trying to think myself into the Christmas feeling. But it didn't work.

My Christmas has a plain, artificial tree that sat alone in the corner. It almost made it feel worse in a weird pitiful way like we were trying but it just came out as pathetic. My Christmas never looked like what the movies showed it. It didn't have all the fresh Christmas cookies, red and gifts wrapped under a heavily but gracefully decorated tree that was hand picked a few weeks earlier. It didn't have the large feast and stockings over a fireplace and everyone in their holiday wear.

Maybe the biggest gap was the lack of everyone.

As an immigrant our Christmas is filled with friends but not family. We don't have our extended family here. When people complain about their overbearing grandma or that weird uncle that cracks too many dad jokes, they take something so special for granted. What I, and many people, would do to have blood relatives around them during the holidays to feel that sense of community and belonging.

There would be the Merry Christmas greetings, but it would be so empty. It was a formality for me; just like how you ask how someone is doing. When the answer is anything but "good, how are you" the formality is broken.

So now I just don't get excited for the holidays anymore. It's just a thing that happens and I've learned to lower my expectations so I won't be disappointed. It's not sad; I'm a lot luckier than people who don't have the means to complain about something as trivial as this. I hope you all have a fantastic break and wonderful holiday season, no matter how you celebrate it, and to cherish your loved ones during this time of year.