As I sit, drinking out a big old bottle of red wine, I realize just how tired I am — not just physically, emotionally too. Being burnt out is not an excuse for turning in things late, or at all. But, I just did not want to continue putting out things I hated that was basically half-assed done.
That is not who I am.
I want to write things I enjoy. It makes writing more bearable fun. But, I am not having fun and enjoying it this past few months. I felt like I was doing what I had to do to get by, and sometimes I could not even manage that. I would be physically exhausted from school and things going on in my personal life that I started to neglect my responsibilities.
I know the moment I started slacking, I should have reached out for a break. Maybe, if I were to do that and come back after two weeks, I would be a lot of happier with my articles.
And, I'm trying.
I'm trying so dang hard to find the enjoyment and set aside time to write things I enjoy again. But, working full-time and taking online courses during the summer just makes it all worse for me. I'm definitely struggling, and I don't know what to do to help myself.
I come home from standing on my feet eight to 10 hours a day and just finding myself wanting to sit and do nothing. Not be on my phone or anything, I basically just want to sit there and stare at a wall or something that requires no movement or thinking because of how tired I am.
Emotionally, my god. I feel like I've been hit by a car. (I did experience this back in April, so that was an experience and ordeal). During the fall semester, I felt like my head was just above the water — and I was doing okay. I felt perfectly fine and did my thing for soon afterward. When spring came, all of a sudden I felt like I was back with just my head above the water.
All I wanted to do was fall apart.
Which I did at times, I would cry in random spots on campus during nights for Christ's sake. It just really be like that.
And now sitting in the middle of summer break, I thought I would have a better handle on things such as writing. But yet again, I do not. There is no excuse in the world to say why I haven't. It all comes down to me just not wanting to and not reaching out for help when I need it because I tell myself I can do on my own. I'm used to figuring out and doing a lot of things on my own, so actually coming to terms with needing help sometimes can be difficult for me.
But, have you ever been so passionate about something and when you find yourself a little lost you just start to not care? That's basically I've been feeling about a lot of things the past few months. I'm trying so hard to find why I am passionate about the things I love, but it can be such a struggle even on good days.
It's sort of like a little life-crisis. It's my quarter-life crisis, and it will be ongoing all the time. Let's be honest. But, this is me. Trying to get myself back to the things I love.