Blazer of Glory
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Blazer of Glory

When empowerment gets to your head

Blazer of Glory

[Note: This dialogue was posted on Facebook prior to publication.]

Scene: [LYDIA, wearing a blazer, is frenetically pacing the student center for no discernible reason. Her friend RYAN appears with his friend CHARLIE.]

Ryan: Hey Lydia! Oh, you look nice. Cool blazer.

Lydia: As a woman who Knows Her Worth I would normally accept your compliment, but today I ask that you pay no attention to my physical form. Rather, it shall be sufficient to bask in my Competence and Intellect.

Ryan: Um, sure. Have you met my friend Charlie?

Charlie: 'Sup.

Lydia: Hello, Charlie. You may refer to me in the formal "usted."

Charlie: Huh?

Lydia: You know, "usted," like in Spanish? I'm sure you've never thought that a Female Woman could demand respect, but think again, "Charlie"!

Charlie: Wait, why did you use air quotes around my name? And, um, I believe in respecting women… but how does Spanish come in?

Lydia: Fine, if the Spanish construction is too difficult for your pea-brain, you may call me "madam." Or maybe just my last name, "Bailey," like in the military, or a British prep school. I've always wanted to see what that was like… No wait-- scratch that-- you may call me by my mother's maiden name, Lindholm. ¡Vive la Matriarchy!

Ryan: Not again…

Lydia: Oh, so you're intimidated by a woman in power, "Ryan"?

Ryan: Yeah, no that's not really it.

Charlie: [Whispering to Ryan:] Is she in power, somehow?

Lydia: By the air I breathe and the Women's once-a-day multivitamins I take, you bet I'm in power! In power and empowered, baby! I mean, look at this badass blazer. I'll bet you don't think that I can lift this table, don't you, "Charlie"? Is that because of the Patriarchy? Well, do I have news for you! [She starts pulling up on the end of the table with all her might.]

Ryan: Woah, slow down there. We all believe you can lift the table.

Lydia: [Stops struggling with the table.] Ack! It appears it's bolted down. Probably by… a man! Typical. Well, that won't stop me from Leaning In! Does my haughtiness offend you?

Ryan: We respect your haughtiness, Lydia.

Lydia: I'm sorry if seeing women and girls in blazers and pants bothers you, but welcome to the New Normal, baby! We are here to stay, so get used to it!

Charlie: Um, I don't remember asserting… did someone say that women wearing pants bothers me?

Ryan: [Whispering to Charlie] Be on the lookout for an exit, but I think we'll be fine if we just wait this one out.

Lydia: Will you quit being so defensive for once in your miserable, manly life, "Charlie"? I wear these pants to forge a better future for my daughters and my daughters' daughters, and I wear this blazer for the trillions of women before me who didn't have such an opportunity!

Charlie: Trillions?

Lydia: With Goddess as my Witness, I swear that I will rise above my station! I can see it on your face. You're shocked-- SHOCKED-- to hear that my competence, my confidence, my LIFE is worth as much as your own!

Charlie: Um, no--

Lydia: Well, I'm here to tell you that ALL lives matter, baby! Eh-- that's actually not the angle I'm going for. Um, I'm here to tell you… that… that…

Ryan: That you're a woman of worth who ain't gonna let this sexist world get her down?

Lydia: Yes!

Ryan: Right, cool.

Lydia: I mean, a woman probably said it first, but that's about what I'm going for.

Ryan: Of course.

Lydia: …

Charlie: …

Ryan: So is this the blazer talking?

Lydia: Yeah, it's the blazer talking.

Ryan: It does look good.

Lydia: Thanks.

Charlie: …

Ryan: …

Lydia: I also had an iced coffee this morning.

Ryan: That'll do it.

Lydia: Yeah. Talk to you later?

Ryan: No problem. Nice catching up!

Lydia: Sure. Nice to meet you, Charlie!

Charlie: Pleasure.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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