A Day In The Life of Having an Eating Disorder

Every morning, I wake up at 7:30, go to the bathroom, strip naked, and weigh myself. I track this in a notebook with the date and time. I chew 3 weight loss gummies, intended to curb my appetite. I will repeat this twice more, at every meal. I put on gym clothes that I've laid out the night before, and grab a bottle of water and a 100 calorie protein shake on my way out of the door. I walk to the student recreation center, where I swipe in and immediately head for the cardio section. I carefully select a machine, the arc trainer. I put in my weight and age, and set it to 'fat burn.' I follow along with the intervals as directed, starting to sweat. When I've burned enough calories, 500 maybe, I will stop. When I've exercised to the point of near fainting, then, I will drink my protein shake.

Negative 400 calories so far for the day.

I run back to my room, normally a 15 minute walk. Quick shower, change clothes, go to class. Classes both drag on and fly by at the same time, somehow. Now, a test. Lunch time with friends. They ask if we should go to the bottom of the dining hall today, where there's Mediterranean, Indian, Mexican, and Japanese food. I can't afford the calories of a meal that will no doubt be at least 1,000 calories. Instead, I want to go to the main part of the dining hall. There's a salad bar there. I will allow myself a cup of spinach (10 calories), some cucumber and carrots (5 calories each), and an apple (80 calories). There, a 100 calorie meal, along with multiple glasses of water in between bites of food.

Negative 300.

I go to my next class, where I'm learning how to become a personal trainer. Ironic that I'm supposed to be promoting healthy habits, isn't it? Going to this class makes me want to kill myself. Every girl in here, including the instructors, are in shape. I pinch my thigh fat under the desk. After an hour and a half of this, I find myself motivated to go to the gym once more. So, I head upstairs to my trusty cardio section again, burning another 300 calories before I go to my last class of the day.

Negative 600.

After class, however, my friends ask me to get dinner with them, and I can't escape it. There's nothing good to eat in the dining hall, and I'm so hungry. I end up eating a burrito bowl and some fruit.

Negative 300.

I go home, work on homework, and then watch Netflix. I try to escape my own reflection in the full length mirror attached to the wall in my room, and the two in the bathroom above the sinks. I get upset. I binge.

0.

I had really wanted a calorie deficit for the day. I cry as I go to sleep hating myself again. Better luck tomorrow, I suppose.