If I had a dollar for every time I heard a complaint about millennials, I could probably put a down payment on this whole "house" thing everyone's talking about. Personally, I agree - millennials are terrible. A scourge on our society. Here's everything millennials are doing wrong.

1. They're so easily offended.

Back in the old days, nobody got offended about anything ever. People were racist, sexist, and homophobic, and they liked it that way! Millennials are too sensitive. (But have you heard about people saying "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas"?! Now that I can get upset about.)

2. All they do is accrue debt.

Back in the old days, we paid for college out of pocket! College was $5 and we liked it that way! There was none of this nonsense about "student loans." If you ask me, that's the easy way out.

3. They're so addicted to their phones.

What are they doing on those things? Social networking? The Twitter? Or, God forbid, they're checking the news and staying up to date on current issues? For shame.

4. They're so lazy.

Really, you work in food service because you haven't been able to afford college yet? Or you're paying your way through college with a demeaning, low-paying job that forces you to work long hours for little compensation? You live with your parents because you'd rather not take up a mortgage and ruin your credit and the economy? So lazy, Martha Stewart even says so.

(Didn't she go to prison for insider trading? Now that's an honest way to make money. Un-lazy.)

5. They're so full of themselves - all they do is take selfies.

Back in the old days, we commissioned portraits for thousands of dollars, then sat for five hours while our visage was painstakingly put to canvas, and then we hung them above the fireplace so the whole house could see.

Studies show millennials have higher self-esteem than previous generations. How dare they love themselves?

6. They've turned dating into a joke.

Back in the old days (before this Facebook and Tinder nonsense), we went on uncomfortable first dates where we knew nothing about the other person, and we liked it! And before that, we had to settle for someone our parents picked out for us, and we liked that too!

Tl;dr: millennials are just awful. Don't be a millennial. Be like Martha Stewart or Breitbart News - tired, old, bitter, and unnecessarily critical of a generation they can't hope to understand. Thank you, baby boomers, for destroying our economy, social security, the job market, and the middle class, then pinning it on us. Bye!