Some of you have clicked on this list expecting 'Die Hard' to be on here. I am sorry to disappoint you, but 'Die Hard' is, in fact, a Christmas Movie.
1. Jim Carrey's 'The Grinch'
The classic 'Grinch' movie we all know and love but this time, horribly warped and modified beyond the realm of reasonableness and without a single shred of decency or happiness. Imagine a fun childhood memory but instead of happy memories of opening presents with your family, it's your presents being burned with a flamethrower by a terrifying green man who just laughs. Needless to say, this movie is not what Christmas movies should be like. Additionally, the excessive use of dutch angle shots and an origin story for the Grinch? Who signed off on this?
2. 'Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas'
A Tim Burton claymation movie with the word 'Nightmare' in the title? Yeah, dawg, that's a hard pass from me.
3. 'Jack Frost'
Who in their right mind decided that this movie was suited for a national release? And that it was okay for kids and should only be rated PG? A Michael Keaton PG move? And the studio didn't think "oh, hey! Maybe this is going to fail miserably and be terrifying"?
4. 'Santa Clause 1 & 2'
Okay, so a loud walking man walks around on YOUR roof, falls into YOUR front yard, and dies in YOUR hands. Wow, this seems very traumatic again. Oh, and because you put on his suit you are now Santa and obligated to be Santa for E T E R N I T Y so basically you're quadruply screwed. Oh, and if you like interesting conspiracies about movies look up the theories about the Santa Claus movies on Reddit.
5. 'Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause'
Wow, you want to see everything you enjoy about Santa and Christmas be brutally murdered in front of your own eyes and replaced for a short time with a Weird Al Yankovic Christmas nightmare? Good, because this movie has that. A lot of that. It only took 5 sessions of counseling to get rid of the childhood trauma this move causes!
6. 'Gremlins'
Why do people want to mix Christmas with murders and death?
7. 'Silent Night Deadly Night'
Again, WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO MIX CHRISTMAS WITH MURDERS AND DEATH? And really cheesy movie titles. C'mon, that's just lazy.
8. 'Home Alone 2: Lost in New York'
Okay, parenting is hard, and leaving one of your children home alone on Christmas is nearly inexcusable but when your family has more kids than the Duggar family you get one free pass. But to do it TWICE? Wow, parents of the year right there. Congrats! You left your son, who is absolutely traumatized from the last time you left him alone, alone, in the biggest city in America. Oh, and the men who tried to kill him the last time are back and trying to murder him again to steal his stuff.
9. 'Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas'
Sorry, but this is not it, chief.
10. Every Hallmark or Hallmark-esque Christmas Movie
Are you a stressed, single adult with a child? Are you ignoring family in favor of business over the holidays? Are you worried your church play for Christmas is going to go horribly wrong? Did a living life-size nutcracker suddenly appear in your living room? Is he trying to teach you the true meaning of Christmas?
Oh hey, isn't that a famous actor? Wait, no. It's just some attractive person that looks like a famous actor.
Are you a struggling single woman who is caught in a love triangle between the small town heartthrob who just wants the best life for his son and the Big City Businessman who doesn't have time for such frivolous Christmas events? Does one of them have a beard?
Do you feel like a life lesson about love and Christmas is going to be crammed down your throat whether or not you want to watch it?
Well, welcome to Hallmark Channel's Christmas movie season! Recent additions to this genre included Netflix Christmas movies.
