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Weekly Horoscopes

For all your fortune telling needs.

Jack MC

Apr 30, 2018

Pace University

151

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Aries: Fortune will befall you today. Or you will fall into a fortune. Or you will fall into a hole. The stars are pretty vague. Watch your step!

Taurus: Did you remember to cancel that free trial? Too late. They already stole your credit card number. Next time, don't fall for clickbait.

Gemini: You know what you did.

Cancer: Green is your favorite color now. No, you don't get to argue.

Leo: What's that thing in the back of your throat? No, not your uvula. Further back. Yes, that. Ewwww. Go see a doctor and try not to yawn.

Virgo: You know that feeling you get when you're alone at night? Like someone, or something is watching you? Trust your instincts, Virgo. Trust your instincts.

Libra: An annoying song will be stuck in your head all day. Yes, that one. The popular one you hate but hear all the time. It's stuck in your head now. Sorry.

Scorpio: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok, wait- AHAHAHAHAAH no, no, I'm fine, really, it's just, pfffffff BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ah..... whew....

Sagittarius: Your roommate is not who you think. Or even what you think. Sleep well.

Capricorn: The stars have been talking about you behind your back. For that matter, so has everyone else.

Aquarius: One of the Old Gods has chosen you for a very specific purpose. The only problem is we don't know what god it is. Or what purpose. Fingers crossed for a benevolent one.

Pisces: ERROR 404: FORTUNE NOT FOUND.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Weekly Horoscopes

For all your fortune telling needs.

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75 degrees and sunny, plus, no humidity. I mean do I really need to say more?

Perfect Weather

You'll get an effortless tan

You can exercise with a view

You don't have to worry about bug bites

In n Out all day, every day

We have outdoor concerts

We live where people vacation

Because let's be honest, we all use lyrics.

1. “Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside. It's where my demons hide.”

2. “Tonight, we are young.”

3. “Cuz I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it.”

4. “Tell me how they got that pretty little face on that pretty little frame.”

5. “I can’t wait to fall in love with you, you can’t wait to fall in love with me.”

6. “Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on.”

7. “Why you so obsessed with me?”

8. “We ain’t ever getting older.”

9. “I didn’t know that I was starving until I tasted you.”

10. “Didn’t they tell you I’m a savage?"

11. “I’m gonna make you miss me.”

12. "Cheers to the freakin weekend.”

13. “Love’s a game. Wanna play?”

14. “You don’t know about me, but I bet you want to.”

15. “Let’s set each other’s lonely nights, Be each other’s paradise.”

16. “Trippin’ on skies, sippin’ waterfalls."

17. “Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days.”

18. “But you will remember me for centuries.”

19. “Something about you makes me feel like a dangerous woman."

20. “Don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me.”

21. “Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”

22. “Find me where the wild things are.”

23. “I’m high on lovin’ you.”

24. “If you’re gonna be somebody’s heartbreak, somebody’s mistake, if you’re gonna be somebody’s first time, somebody’s last time, be mine.”

25. “Don’t be afraid to take the road less traveled on.”

Everything Bruce says in his classic rock songs.

1. "Talk about a dream Try to make it real You wake up in the night With a fear so real Spend your life waiting For a moment that just don't come Well don't waste your time waiting." (Badlands)

2. "It's a town full of losers/ I'm pulling out of here to win" (Thunder Road)

3. "You've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above" (Tunnel of Love)

4. "I got something in my heart/ I been waitin' to give/ I got a life I wanna start/ One I been waitin' to live" (Leah)

5. “God have mercy on the man/ Who doubts what he’s sure of” (Brilliant Disguise)

7. “Is a dream a lie when it don’t come true, or is it something worse?” (The River)

Why you should spend your next summer in New England.

Nature is beautiful (and so is math). The last one will blow your mind.

1. Shells

2. Trees

3. Flower Pistils

4. Flower Petals

5. Leaves

6. Storms

7. You!

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1. "Talk about a dream
Try to make it real
You wake up in the night
With a fear so real
Spend your life waiting
For a moment that just don't come
Well don't waste your time waiting." (Badlands)