1. Please Wait to be seated means Please wait to be seated 

2. No you cannot sit at that dirty table, you have to wait to be seated at a clean table. 

3. I don't have a Magic ball so I cannot tell you if we will be busy at noon. 

4. "Oh there is a wait, we will go somewhere else." Yes, it is Sunday Football every place is going to have a wait. 

5. "Hi we have a 20-minute wait." "There is an empty table right there, can I have it?" Noooo there are people ahead of you in line. 

Didn't you learn to wait your turn in Kindergarten?

6. No you cannot put these tables together. 

Restaurants have systems for their tables, if you try to move tables together to accommodate your party it throws it off

7 "Hi there will be 15 of us but we didn't make a reservation" Okay cool, I totally don't believe you and 15 of your friends woke up today and decided to go to lunch. 

If you walk into a smaller restaurant will 15 people, chances are they might not be able to accommodate you because of space and staffing issues.

8. Check the busy times of Restaurants when you are calling and avoid calling during peak times, it's helpful for us and you. 

9. I don't need a long explanation about how it's your great aunt's daughters step sons birthday, I just need to know what time and how many people. 

10. If your kid is noisy or makes a mess, we are defiantly talking about you. 

11. If you are  rude we are defiantly talking about you. 

12. If you want a table 10 minutes before close, we hate you. 

13. "Can I get you anything else?" "A million Dollars" I've heard this joke a million times and its less funny each time. 

14. Chances are if you are rude or impatient you will be waiting longer for a table or food. 

If you are nice to the host, you will likely get sat before Dave who was asked why there was a wait.

15. Big Parties affect how fast restaurants get food out. 

You can only have so many cooks in the kitchen.

16. "We don't have seating outside""Well can we move a table out there?" That would be a No. 

17. "Can I see your idea" 40-year-old: "Are you serious?" Yes, I have to ID everyone under 50 sooo 

18. "Can I take this menu home?" No ma'am you cannot take our menu to go, because if everyone did we wouldn't have any menus 

They don't grow on trees

19. "Here is your table" "Oh can I sit over there?" No, because this is the table I assigned you, they are the same tables 

20. *Names off tap list* "Yeah, Ill just have water." Okay cool 

21. "What can I get you?" "Ummm" *starts to look at menu* Okay Ill come back because I am not going to sit here and wait 

22. "Are you ready to order?" "Oh can we have a minute" "Yes take your time, I am here till close" But really I am not trying to rush you. 

23. **Customer hands you 100 dollar bill** Let me go find every server so I can break this for your $10 tab. 

24. "What's good here?" "Oh she'll say everything" Actually no I will probably tell you the truth 

I really don't want you to order food you wont like, and because I have tried everything on the menu I know.

25. "Do you need change?" "Yes" **table leaves change** Why did you ask for the change? 

26. I don't want the two pennies, really you can keep it. 

27. If you are going to tip me 80 cents, keep it really. 

28. "Oh Can you see if you have any more *insert name of food I just said we were out of*?" Yes let me go stand in the back for 20 seconds 

29. "Do you have a kids menu?"Unfortunately yes 

30. "We are in a hurry, and need to leave in 15 minutes, how fast can we get our food?" There is a McDonalds down the street ask them 

31. "I am still waiting on my food." Yes I know, that's why I told you our kitchen was backed up. 

32. "Can you ask the kitchen to hurry? I am hungry." If I do, they will just slow down but sure 

So am I but you don't see me complaining

33. "Hi this is Dave, and I have a huge favor to ask" I don't know who you are Dave but sure act like I should before you tell me your 'favor' 

34. Well Karen, Ranch is extra because we will have to pay for it. 

35. Sure I will go ask the bartender and come back with the same answer I just told you 

36. Its part of my job to be nice to you, you don't need to leave me your number 

37. Oh defiantly don't leave me your number and tip me a dollar. 

It was over for you before we started

38. Totally fine, I don't mind being ignored when I ask if you need something 

39. Yes let me go find my manager so you can explain how rude you were to me. She already knows but ok. 

40. "Hi I know the owner" Wow small world, so do I.

41. Please stop calling me "babe" or "sweetie" 

Especially if you are a male.

42. Let me explain to you how Restaurants  work