Every family goes through that one pivotal event that literally changes everything for the worse.

2009 was the hardest year for my family. We lost a lot of people. We went to a lot of funerals. And most of us have moved on, because it's been nine years.

I am not one of them.

In 2009 my grandmother died. I understand that losing a grandmother is only natural and it happens to people every day. It doesn't mean it's easy. It's one of the hardest things to go through.

My Nana was the mother of 8 kids, so you can imagine how huge our family is. She was the glue that kept us all together. I don't think I will ever meet a woman so loved by so many people ever again. When I say she was the best person I ever knew (well, so far, and yeah other than my mom now), I am not exaggerating.

It took a really long time for my family to move on. And I'm sure there are more people than just me who are still holding on to the grief.

When I was 13 and she passed away, I swear to you I thought everyone in my family was literally going to drop dead from heartbreak. Some of us lost our faith, especially me. Because my Nana and I, we were made of the same thing, and I don't think I will ever relate to someone the way I related to her. Everything about her was just genuine.

For the people who knew her, and knew what she meant to me, you know I can't explain how much I miss her. She was everything I ever wanted to be: happy, independent, and just good. She loved everyone who came across her, no matter what. She understood that people weren't perfect. She would support us through anything if she knew it made us happy.

Now that I am grown up, and most of us have healed, I feel like my wound is just getting bigger. I feel like I am grieving backwards. The decisions I make in my life are not conventional because I don't want to live a life like that. I want to follow my heart. I want to live with authenticity, and no one understands the way I think and why I want to live that way, and I guess that's understandable.

But every day, all I can do is think, "Nana would have thought that this was amazing, no matter what anyone else thought."

There's no love like the love between a grandmother and a granddaughter. And I wish I could ask her about what she thinks of everything we are all doing. I dream of her laughter, and I dream of the hum of her sewing machine. I can remember her teaching me how to sew like it was yesterday and when I was with her we were always creating, whether it be a material object or just jokes.

I will never stop missing her. When I say she meant the world to me I really hope you understand what I mean, because there are no words to describe the friendship I had with her.

Now in my life, I feel like I need her heart more than ever. She was always a positive woman, despite what she had gone through. As an adult, I crave the relationship that we once had, and I hold it closer than anything else. I want to live my life like Nana lived hers; full of love.