Panic. Defeat. Devastation. Exhaustion.
Shame. Anger. Anxiety.
Rock bottom...anyone who has ever had to call that place home is already too familiar with the emotions listed above. Hitting rock bottom, as many people seem to mistake, is not the worst part. You already know it's coming because you've fought so hard to prevent it. The worst part is the roller coaster of emotions you face on the way down.
Rock bottom is a torturous place, but the journey there is what breaks you. And though it might break you, it doesn't destroy you.
Rock bottom is a place, not the rest of your life. You still wake up, you still breath, move, live. You're still you.
Here's the thing about hitting the lowest point of your life- you learn to let things go. You learn to accept, instead of resisting. You figure out really fast that the world still turns and it's okay to sit in silence and take a moment. But eventually, you have to get back up and move too.
The bottom gives you the chance to release everything you've been carrying that's too heavy. It allows you the opportunity to say to the universe "You wanted to ruin these things for me so bad?
Well, here you go, they're all yours," and walk away knowing it's over. It's the closure you need to let go of what you've been fighting against.
I remember my rock bottom and all the hideous emotions it made me feel. But I also remember the fire I felt inside me when I decided that no matter how shitty my circumstances were ( and let me tell you, they were pretty shitty) I didn't care anymore. I was going to accept my circumstances and let go of the things I'd had such a death grip on for so long.
I was going to get myself back together and it didn't matter how long it took or how hard it would be. I began to tackle my obstacles one at a time and I prioritized the things I needed for myself. It was then, I learned to adjust to life. And that is such an important quality.
And here I am. It's not perfect, and it wasn't easy. But I'm happy. And a year ago I would have never imagined I'd be where I am now.
One of the best parts of having hit the lowest possible point, for me, was that I learned a lot about perspective. Rock bottom teaches you not to focus so much on various details, but instead, on the larger picture of life. Hurt heals, disappointment fades, things DO get better and we become stronger. Before, I would let defeat take a toll on me; I held onto my struggles.
Today, I can have a rough time, grieve it out and know that as soon as I decide, it will get better. No matter what I face, I know that I've endured worse. Most situations can't touch the kind of hurt that would make me flinch. I'm able to put things in perspective because I can compare whatever I'm going through to the worst I've been through, and honestly, it's encouraging.
It teaches you to be resourceful and it teaches you that you CAN bounce back. I can come to the end of the day feeling discouraged, but I know when I put my head in my hands and let my emotions out, that eventually, it will be okay. I'll make it through whatever I'm struggling with because I believe in myself and how resilient I am.
I know how to adjust to my circumstances, to what life throws at me. It's uncomfortable, but it's not impossible. I believe in my determination and I believe myself when I say " Shit, I failed. But it's okay, I'll just have to start over and do things differently." I believe it because I've done it.
Rock bottom is terrifying. But it isn't the end. It's an experience, a painful one, but nonetheless, an experience. Ultimately, you stand up and you begin to rebuild. You realize that you CAN save yourself and that you're stronger than you thought. You come out of the worst feeling...free.
Because you know what you're leaving behind and you know that things will only get better from here on out. So take a breath. Breakdown. Do what you need to do, and then stand up and build yourself to be better than you were before.