I'm tired. Year three of college and all I can think about besides school is how much I want to take a nap. Sometimes it makes me rude, sometimes it makes me incredibly sassy and sometimes it makes me sugary sweet. College is no longer exciting the way it used to be. I am tired. I'm stuck in this weird space where I want to graduate but I'm literally no more qualified in the work world now than I was two years ago, except now I can use photoshop and I can tell you what the seven dirty words that you can't say on live tv are.
You could say that I'm over college. I am so over college. I want to be done. But that's not how it works. It doesn't get to work that way. In the midst of my tiredness I have found that sometimes I lose my edge, somethings just aren't worth fighting for. On the flip side, though, it's made me think, what is worth fighting for? Why am I here? What do I want?
Sometimes I lose sight of why I'm here, why I go to school and those are the hardest times. Everything feels like it's falling apart, like I can't win, like I'm pouring myself out and getting nothing back. I'm sure that this doesn't go away. Graduating doesn't make everything easier, I'm not so naive to think that it does.
I'm here because I want things. I want a job. I want to be the best. I want a career, I want to feel important. I want to be able to support myself and for some reason, college feels like the best way to do that and I'm going with the flow and that's okay. But I do not know what I want.
Sometimes I feel like if someone asks me what I'm going to do with my degree, I'm torn between yelling and crying and I think in those moments it would be easier to drop out, it would be easier to give up. So I try to think end goal. I try to think past wanting a job. I try to think about my life because it's bigger than school.
I once read a blog post called "I Want Jesus. But, Also A Husband. And Kids. And A Job. And An Apartment. And, Maybe a Dog." It was the realest thing I've ever read. The title says it all. Because I want all of that. I want Jesus and as much as I want Jesus I want a husband, and kids and a home and a dog. I want all of those things and most of the time I want them right now.
Most days I feel that I'm not in the right place. Like somehow I should have all these things happening to me right now, that God should be placing exactly what I want in my lap and that it should be easy. Spoiler alert, though, it's never easy. I feel that sometimes I want what's on the other side of this degree and in doing so I forget that God has perfect timing. I don't know what I want out of this degree, or out of my life necessarily but I know without a doubt that I want to live God's will out for my life.
God does not make mistakes. He is perfect and He simply does not mess up. I want that. I crave that consistency, it is all I desire. So no matter how hard I feel like I'm failing, or that my life feels like it's not going the right way, I must remember that I do not want comfort. I must remember that when I feel so tired it's hard to get out of bed that I find my rest in God alone. I do not want what the world calls consistency. I want Jesus. I want His perfectness, His flawlessness, His perfect timing and whatever His will is for my life. I know it's better than what I have planned for myself.