What Your Coffee Says About You
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The 5 Types Of Coffee That Say Everything About You

Whether you're an American running on Dunkin' or feeling bougie at Starbucks, your coffee order says A LOT about you, or at least from my judgement filled perspective it does.

Christin Hume

Whether you're an American running on Dunkin' or feeling bougie at Starbucks, your coffee order says A LOT about you. Also, everyone in line behind you is 100% judging you based on your order, so no pressure. If you're a coffee enthusiast like me and every Starbucks barista in the world, you know exactly what I'm talking about. So without further ado, here are a few coffee orders, and what they tell others about you.

1. Old Reliable (Cream & Sugar)

Cream & Sugar

Annie Spratt

Odds are, if you order a simple coffee with just cream and sugar, you are a pretty normal person. Or maybe that's just a farce to make us think you're a normal person?! Judging people by their coffee purchase is not a science or anything. Regardless, this coffee order is for the old reliable in all of us. There is something quite relaxing in having to say no more than "I'll take a regular coffee" when you get to the barista, and I think they appreciate it too.

2. Death Metal (Black Coffee)

Black Coffee

Lee Weng

Wow, you are very, very hardcore and I am very, very intimidated. Or maybe you're just a masochist, how should I know? More than likely though, you were a rebellious teen that transitioned into a tortured soul of an adult. You take shit from no one and honestly, you need to buy some mints. Keep on keeping on you metal mother fuckers.

3. Diabetes In A Cup (Light & Sweet)

Light & Sweet

Anete Lūsiņa

Oh, hey I'm sorry did you want some coffee with that creamer and those dollops of sugar? Oh no? O--okay boss! I'm not even super sure this qualifies as a coffee order when in reality you are ordering a coffee flavored beverage but oh, well. I guess milkshakes at 9 am are pretty frowned upon. Though if you do order this way, you're probably a pretty care-free and fun-loving person. It's like you don't even need coffee but you know it's helping you look way more adult.

4. Fancy McSmartypants (The Latte)

The Latte


Now I'm not saying we all think you're pretentious, wait...actually that's exactly what I'm saying. If you have such a luxurious life that your morning routine can include a drink that is primarily steamed milk and foam, well I think you understand how I feel about you. The worst part is how specific drink orders get, just take your latte and shut up about the almond milk. The worst offenders? The iced latte drinkers. Like hello, that is technically an espresso with ice and milk, get a new name.

5. I'm Still 8 Years Old (The Mocha)

The Mocha


Okay seriously, I don't care how much you try to tell me that you're drinking a coffee, all I see is a hot chocolate. If your drink looks like, smells like and tastes like a chocolate milk, then guess what? IT ISN'T A COFFEE. Just grow a pair and order what you really want, a hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows on top. I honestly would judge you less.

Friendly note: This article is totally satirical and in reality, we are collectively judging the people who say they prefer tea.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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