As an Odyssey editor, I have edited and read my fair share of articles centered around "The Bachelor" and "Bachelorette." For 20 years, I resisted the urge to give into temptation and waste an hour of my life watching trash. The cattiness and drama reminded me of the shit we dealt with in high school when you could find a date for homecoming. However, at the emergence of the new season, I decided to waste two hours of my life and understand why every white millennial female and wino housewife love this fucking show. I sat down with pad and paper, a glass of gin and popcorn, and prepared my IQ for its steady decline.
The only thing I knew before watching this was that the hunky Indy (not Nascar, ladies) bachelor was back to find love in all the wrong places. In my thorough research, Arie had once been on 'The Bachelorette," and after putting his heart on the line and having it stomped by Emily, he figured he would give the show another try, because that wouldn’t ever happen again, right?! As we present all the backgrounds of the contestants, I was annoyed by how attractive they all were. For a show that it is about true love, it seems to be very superficial.
Off the bat, I despise the pompous attitude of most the girls but formed an attachment to Krystal (the Cali homeless helper), Big Titty Brittany, and Jessica (the single mom). They were all funny, relatable, women who didn’t appear to be all about the competition, but were looking for their true love. Next up, the contestants filter out one by one and greet the bachelor, trying to create a spark with a wet box of matches. Some of the introductions were sweet and touching, but things like the fake proposal and taxidermist talk would have me running for the hills. Where do they find these women?
After the slightly uncomfortable interaction with an astonishing 29 girls, they start with first impressions, which is getting to know someone well enough to judge their possible status as a mate. Again, nothing superficial at all. Let me start by saying, this was the (second) worst part of the show for me, as the true nature of the show is revealed: it’s a like a hot dog eating contest, and Arie is their cash prize.
The women fight over him, especially that bitch Chelsea, not to truly get to know his sensitive side, but to play this game of “who’s dick is bigger.” The girls try to one-up each other and prove they are the alpha bitch, like the cast of "Bad Girls Club" in cheap prom dresses and caked on mascara. Of course, the girl who was the biggest kiss ass got the first rose, whoop-de-fucking-doo.
Now, the most suspenseful part, the final rose, had me ready to turn the channel and go back to football, even though I was enthralled. Like most reality shows, the breathy pauses in-between sentences and rose exchanges had everyone watching biting at the bit. I was not surprised when he picked all the ditsy bombshells and left all the people I really was rooting for without a rose.
What really had my blood boiling was the amount of fucking boohooing with the eliminated contestants. It’s not like this was their last shot at love EVER. You literally met this man for a total of 5 minutes, how can one get so butthurt, so fast? After the season recap, I quickly flipped back, having missed one of the best college football games of the year, only semi-regretting the two hours wasted at the hand of reality TV (yet again).
Watching this show has only proven the stereotypes that I conceived beforehand. Fame and competition are the show’s core values. It’s more like a beauty pageant, not a search for true love. "The Bachelor" has proven to me that this show is the perfect representation of modern-day relationships. It is all about one-upping the other person, having the perfect mixture of romantic and beautiful love that you see on your friends Instagram, and making others jealous of how great your love life is.
Our relationships breathe and grow on social media, enabling our friends to know more about our love lives than our own mothers.
Was it one of the trashiest shows I have ever seen? Yes.
Did it make me want to vomit? Yes.
Will I watch Monday’s next episode?