To The Toxic Parents

Maybe this is why I have so many issues. Maybe it's because you said I would end up like my mother, you said that I would end up strong and independent but you meant it as an insult. You didn't really use those words, but that's what I decided to take out of it. Making your negative into positive like I had to do with most things. Maybe I have so many issues because you were forcing me to be apart of a family that didn't claim me as their own, and how am I supposed to learn how to love myself when the people around me didn't? Maybe I have so many issues because you thought to pay child support made you father of the year because you thought to buy gifts made you a present father. Maybe I have so many issues because you thought me loving my mother was me choosing sides, and how did you expect a child to make those types of decisions. Maybe I have so many issues because you wanted me to leave her the way you did like she hasn't been through enough already. Maybe I have so many issues because you belittle the women who raised three of her children and still have the audacity to tell her to do better. Maybe I have so many issues because you got to pick and choose when to be a father so I had to decide I didn't need a dad.

My first break up was with my father and maybe that's why I have a hard time letting guys leave me. Looking for the love that I lost in them, not looking for them to be a dad but looking for them to love me infinitely the way that my father should've. I don't want to be the girl that says she has daddy issues but I'm a girl with daddy issues. A therapist, a psychologist, and a prescription for medication aren't going to change that. I would love to be able to blame all of my issues on my father but I know that isn't true. I get all my stubbornness and hardheadedness from him and so I understand why he never heard the problems that I spoke of. There is only so much one person can take, especially at such a young age and I was through with dealing with it.

I often get a lot of crap for not talking to my father by choice. The way I see it is if I'm not going to allow a random toxic person in my life, labeling a person father isn't going to change that. You only live one life, do not spend it with people just because it's a social norm says so. A person should not spend their life worried about someone who isn't there. Your progress in life does not depend on one person. Yes, everytime someone asks about my father I am quick to say that I don't have one. That is because I have made so many different accomplishments without one. You don't need to keep someone in your life if they are making you miserable. Parents included.