I wrote this article a few months ago, but I wasn't ready to publish it then.
I am now.
The more time that passes, the more real I know this is. The more I get that this isn't one of those times we fight, break up, and get back together the next week. The more I know that you are not my forever, you will never be my husband, and you are not the guy I'm going to marry.
Damn, it hurts.
In high school, I fell in love, like most girls. I got caught up in how perfect I thought he was, the way he looked, the way he smelled, all that good stuff. But still, in the back of my mind, I knew, people don't usually marry the person they date in high school. I knew we wouldn't be forever; statistics showed.
However, I found you right when I thought I should. You meet the love of your life in college, and gosh, I thought I had. You were everything. You knew exactly how to make me smile, and you talked about a future together all the time. At 22, I figured you really were looking for your forever. That's how you made it feel like you had found your forever through me.
I usually wasn't the type to believe in it. I'm the realistic girl that knows it probably won't happen. But you just made it feel like you were certain it would happen. You made me feel like I was the one you wanted to marry, too.
And so, I pictured us. In a church, on a beach, wherever, with me in a white dress, and you in a navy suit, as we had discussed. We talked about the names of our kids, and while at first, I didn't like the name you wanted, I eventually came around and fell in love with it because he would be a little bit of me and a little bit of you and he would've been perfect. We talked about where we would live, how we would make both of our dreams come alive, all while being together.
I really fell for it.
And then things changed.
I won't go into detail here because it doesn't really matter what changed. It doesn't matter why we broke up, who did what, why we will never be together again; it only matters that we won't.
Well, you know who you are, I hope lots of things. I hope you never forget all the words you said to me. I hope you never forget the nights we spent awake doing homework (usually yours), riding around just for fun (sometimes all the way to Baton Rouge), or playing 2K until the sun came up (more me watching YOU play 2K, but you get my point). I hope you never forget the lunch dates that we'd fight over food or the dinner dates we'd fight over who got to pay. I hope all your dreams come true, and that you know if you need something, I'm still here, always just a text or phone call away. I hope you figure it all out. I hope you find someone you can connect with just as deeply and emotionally as I thought we did. I hope that you don't take love for granted, and never, ever forget that LOVE is so much more powerful and meaningful than all that other stuff. I hope you never forget me because God knows I won't ever forget you.
So, to the man I thought I'd marry, it's okay. It's okay we're not a forever thing. Somewhere, there's a forever thing for both of us. You'll always be special to me, and maybe one day, we can be friends again. Maybe even, when I find mine, you can be there, in the crowd, watching me marry my guy. The guy I thought you'd be, that you'll never be. And I can watch you marry yours, as a supporter and friend. Because that's all we'll be now.
And that's just fine. I learned a lot by losing the man I thought I'd marry, and that's what matters. We love, we lose, we learn, we make better decisions next time around.
To the man I thought I'd marry, I don't hate you, I'm not mad at you, and I understand. Life happens. I'm okay, and I know you are too. Thanks for the lessons and the memories. Best of luck to you in life, JC. I know you're destined for great things, just not with me.
