Things I Leave Super Bowl XLIX Contemplating
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Things I Leave Super Bowl XLIX Contemplating

And why the Patriots need to not be a thing

Things I Leave Super Bowl XLIX Contemplating

As your official Odyssey sports correspondent, I am not at all pleased to announce the New England Patriots as the Super Bowl champions for the 2014-2015 season. The reasons I am not pleased are as follows: the Patriots are notorious for cheating, I dislike Tom Brady and Bill Belechick, who may or may not have a deal written in blood with Satan, and I lost $100 on the game. This list is not entirely inclusive, but it includes the majority of the problems with the game.

1. The Patriots are notorious for cheating. Honestly, spygate, deflategate, what more do I need to say? The Patriots have had more scandals in the last ten years than Auburn and Alabama combined. The only difference is we know for a fact that the Patriots have not paid Cam Newton. Other than that, the Patriots have done almost anything it takes to keep Tom Brady and good ol' Bill at the top of their respective sections of the industry. Sure, nothing has been proven, but then again, neither was OJ in a criminal court. I rest my case.

2. Tom Brady is a horrible human being. Granted, maybe the dislike I feel is caused by jealousy of his God-given ability and smoking hot wife, but it is probably mostly everything else. He started the NFL as a relatively kind and humble quarterback fighting for a spot as a quarterback for a decent team. He is now elite, and a face for the NFL. However, he is also an egotistical maniac with a head bigger than the gap in Michael Strahan's front teeth. I love a cocky athlete like Marshall Henderson or Swag Kelly, but Tom Brady is a huge jerk, and he has such a good life I have no choice but to hate him. 

3. There are only a few ways to explain certain happenings in this life. The fact that spiders exist, CBS has high ratings, and a man whose wardrobe mostly consists of hoodies, not to mention being a household name, and makes more money than I will ever see are all acts that must be directly caused by Satan himself. An interception in the last minute of the game on the one yard line must be caused by some kind of intervention by a higher, or lower, power. But, Odyssey sports genius, you ask, how did the New York Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII if they have the fallen angel himself working for them? Good question, Odyssey reader. The most plausible answer is Satan thought it would be a good idea to throw the public off his trail. And what is better for throwing the public off a trail than losing the most important sporting event of a given year? Exactly. So, I will say this once; well done, Satan, Belichick, Gus Malzahn, lucky people worldwide, and other members of the Death Eaters, well done. 

4. I have no reason to hate the Patriots for me losing $100 dollars. But I needed someone to vent to. So thank you. 

5. The puppy in that Budweiser commercial was absolutely adorable. The puppy is a better actor than Jason Segel, and I need him. Stat. So if you have any information, contact me. 

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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