The Average American: A Study in Pink
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The Average American: A Study in Pink

Humans and their false people

The Average American: A Study in Pink
The Penny Hoarder

As an intergalactic anthropologist, part of my job is to observe and record humankind. For this study, I decided to immerse myself in the fascinating and ever mysterious world of the average American’s television habits.

Though it is plainly established that the “characters," or false people, on television programs, or “shows," are complete works of fiction created by designated writers, the humans seem extremely attached to them. The teenaged females are especially attached to certain adult male false people, despite them being fundamentally evil in nature. They even portray these evil false people as being better humans than is shown on the television. Take Loki, the trickster god, for example. Teenaged girls frequently raise their voices to a high pitched wail whenever the male human is mentioned. Furthermore, many children and adults alike will sit for hours in front of a screen, devoid of all genuine human contact, in order to absorb more of this pseudo-contact. Many humans cancel or avoid social plans so that they can “binge Netflix” despite the television not being able to provide the warmth, understanding, and social practice that real humans can.

While I was sitting with a nuclear family during an episode of a show entitled “NCIS,” I saw a false human that I thought was no longer present on the show. When I voiced my confusion, the entire room grew very silent. Then one of the younger humans shouted “This is a rerun, you idiot!” The other young human whimpered “What do you mean Tony’s gone?” then started to cry. The female parent gave me a strongly disapproving glare, and the male parent told me that I was no longer welcome in his home. Despite the false human not truly existing in real life, it was as if someone had just expired!

In a different human’s house, I attempted to watch a show entitled “Game of Thrones” with them. When one of these false people was terminated, many a sob could be heard throughout the house. Despite the person still being very much alive, the false person was not. “Actors,” as it seems, are simply conduits in which these false people reside. I tried to explain that the male human was not actually deceased and that it was simply a trick to which I was met with “You’re right! He can’t really be dead. I mean, they can’t just, like, kill him. I’ll go check Tumblr. Someone’s got to have a theory by now.”

I later learned that “Tumblr” is a place where humans congregate to live in a false world even deeper than the false world of television. It is where they take the job of “writer” into their own hands because they are in a perpetual state of denial about the status of their favorite false people. Others collect memorabilia to show their devotion to shows such as “Doctor Who” and “Sherlock.” Instead of interacting in the real world, they will sit at home --many of whom still live with their parents despite being well into adulthood -- and dress up like these false people. From what I have learned, the humans who know the difference between false humans and real humans look down upon those who do not.

Furthermore, the designated writers of these shows also play large rolls in these false worlds and, as it turns out, the real world. Steven Moffat, the writer to both “Doctor Who” and “Sherlock,” has been accused of destroying the hearts and minds of these “fans” or “fanatics.” However, this sort of response is only seen in false worlds. In fact, it seems as though humans are more concerned with false people than real people. When I followed the head female of one family into her workplace, I was surprised to hear her and her coworkers lamenting about someone named “McDreamy” rather than truly doing their designated, salaried jobs.

Throughout my study of the humans and their television habits, I have learned that evil is often preferred over good, humans are in a perpetual state of denial and depression when it comes to the termination of false humans, and these false humans often matter more than real humans

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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