I'm hoping some of this word-vomit helps another ambitious go-getter who's doubting themself right about now.
I'm going to be very honest with you, it's been a struggle coming up with content I feel confident and comfortable sharing. Sometimes I feel like writing comes naturally to me when I don't think about it; it happens at the most random times in class, at home watching a movie, and even doing homework. But most of the time, I want to be this extravagant centerpoint of inspiration for other people, and I mean this in the least egocentric way possible. I put pressure on and convince myself that everything I do needs to have meaning, "it needs to be fierce, strong, and admirable." And I've tried to be that little safe space of healing, hoping and praying that my writing will remedy someone else's broken heart or heal their hurting. I guess this is more of a reflection of what I need from myself right now.
You see, I have written so much on heartbreak, relationships, anything that deals with that type of hurt. I feel as though I write best when I write about my past experiences, so that's typically my go-to. Lately, I feel like I just have no more motivation or inspiration for my writing and I'm just writing the same thing over and over again. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to half-ass something I'm passionate about, which is why this has been so challenging for me.
I've tried finding inspiration through friends, Instagram, Tik Tok, anything or anyone I lay my eyes on. I push myself so hard with writing because this has always been a dream of mine since I was little. I remember saying to myself "I'm going to write and publish a book when I'm this age," and "I'm going to start a blog at that age," and "I'm going to be a successful writer when I'm this age".
I'm almost 21 years old and I haven't done or come anywhere close to doing any of those things. But for obvious reasons, I don't think these outlooks, or other ridiculously high goals I set for myself at a young age, were the most realistic for my life.
So what is it, why am I not the successful person I always dreamed I'd be? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I need to move to another city? Am I just not dedicated enough? I don't know, to be honest I feel like I was an ambitious child with a very active imagination. But all of that doesn't mean I can't be a writer or successful in anything I aspire to be and do.
I don't think dreams really have an expiration date; we set their due dates before we really begin the work, and sometimes they do end up happening, but other times they don't and we need to spend a little (or a lot) more time working to achieve them. And even then, when we keep working and grinding and striving to achieve these dreams and ambitions, our patience is tested. I feel like I've hit a writer's block that's gone on for about four months now and no matter what, it feels like I can't get past it, which leads me to the next question I ask myself on a regular basis:
Should I just quit?
The only answer I have to this question is that it's up to you (I know, not very helpful especially if you're an overthinker like me). What helps me when I get to this point is this: I think of as many possible outcomes as I can, good and bad. I think about how this could impact so many other peoples' lives and help them overcome what they're going through.
I think of being able to provide a sense of relief to someone else, even if it's just for a moment, and if that ends up happening then I will feel beyond content. I keep this as my purpose for doing what I do. But I have to accept that it won't all happen right away. I have to learn how to be happy with myself even when I haven't attained or accomplished a goal I've set, and be gentle with myself when I need more time, and this goes for anything in life.
I think this is what writing this article has revealed to me. Sometimes, all it takes is a moment where you sit down and think about why you are passionate about something in the first place, and then it might help you realize what you need to do for yourself in order to fulfill what you think your purpose is.