Prom Was My Own Personal Nightmare, And I'll Never Dress It Up To Be Something It Wasn't
Prom was one of the worst events of my life, and that's OK.
Prom is put on a pedestal. The media makes a big deal out of this event, and everyone you know says it will be a night you will never forget, especially if you're a senior. Prom definitely was a night to remember for me, but for all the wrong reasons.
This year, my prom was on a boat. We had to drive on a bus for two hours to get to New York. I knew about this prom for years, since the boat ride was every other year at our school. When getting this years tickets, I also was aware of the circumstances I was putting myself under. I have a fear of boats, and I get seasick very easily. Yet I still put myself into this event, due to the importance it apparently represents.
The worst started off early. I knew I wasn't going to be seated with my friends or ride the same bus as them. They already got their tickets and table beforehand, and I was alone because I was unaware the school was assigning things this year. That's my fault for not paying attention to the details ahead of time.
Getting ready was fun for me. I like making myself feel pretty and getting treated as if I am. It's a selfish thing to admit, but I know I'm not the only one.
Taking pictures with the few friends I have from cheerleading was also enjoyable. This was the rise before the fall. I loved taking pictures and being in the company of people who make me happy. I wish I could've maintained this feeling all night, but of course when we arrived at the school we had to split and go to our buses. That's when the overwhelming loneliness hit me at full force.
The bus ride was quiet for me. I went to the way back of my bus and sat by myself. I knew the people in front of me, but I knew them as nothing more than acquaintances. During the bus ride, Couples in front of me were laying on one another, watching the movie the bus played for us and drifting to sleep. I sat with my headphones in, trying to ignore the uneasiness that already settled within me.
When we arrived and got out of the bus, we began to walk to the boat. I walked by myself while everyone was walking with a friend and their date. The walk alone felt like it took ages, and I was already feeling awful.
My bag was checked and then I had to step onto the boat. As soon as I put my foot on the ramp, I felt unsteady and scared. Crossing from the ramp into the boat was even more terrifying. I had to grip onto a staff member because I was scared I was going to fall, drop my phone, or attract attention. Attention was the last thing I wanted at a social setting like this.
The first step I took onto the boat made my realization set in. I felt the floor beneath me move, and the fear hit me instantly. My table was on the third floor, so I sucked it up and walked all the way up. The third floor moved way more than the bottom of the boat. When I sat down, I took out my phone and started panic texting my close friends who don't live in the area, as well as my mom and some other people. I told them I already felt sick, and I wanted off. I honestly don't remember typing as much as I did, I just knew that I was panicking and my stomach felt weak. Everywhere I looked were windows, and I hate how aware it made me. I was miserable.
I then thought it'd be best if I went down to my friends table and waited with them for food to come. So I went back downstairs and met with them, only to be told that everyone needs to be seated for food. I instantly had to get up and go back to my table. As I was gripping the railing and walking back to my floor, a teacher stopped me noticing how uneasy I was, and told me to approach him. I started getting teary eyed, explaining to him how I wasn't good with boats. He told me to sit down and drink water. I nodded him off, and went back to my table. I've never drank so much water in my life.
Dinner started and our table was told to get food. While waiting, I was alone. All I got where two pieces of bread, and I went back to my table.
An old friend who drifted in high school tapped her boyfriend at the table in front of me, and I saw them look my way. When she stood up, I knew she was coming to me. I don't really remember all she said, I just know she mentioned how I looked sad and she complimented the way I looked. She then asked for a picture, I'm not sure if it was a way to cheer me up but it did make me smile for a bit. I'm grateful she tried to interact with me, even though it was quick and I went back to my table instantly.
While eating, the girl next to me asked why I was only eating bread. I explained to her how everything was making me feel and then a few other girls at the table tried reassuring me. It was comforting, but the interaction didn't last long. I felt alone all over again.
I remember after eating a piece of the bread my stomach felt even more sick, so I opted to go back down to my friends and sit at their table for a bit. Another friend of mine told me she was feeling sick too and that I wasn't the only one. It was comforting... but we got separated again. I'm not sure if it was me who left or them, but all I remember from then on out was being alone for hours.
During these hours, I explored the boat and tried to make myself feel better. For the first portion I sat down at the couches on the first floor and looked around. People were entering and exiting, and as they did I observed them. It's funny how with mostly every person, I have a story. So whenever someone passed, I thought about them, and my experiences. That was the worst thing I could've done, given mostly everyone I've had negative outcomes with, especially the boys.
Normally this would be because of bad outcomes with dating, the only difference is I didn't date any of the boys I dwelt over. Each story with each boy was horrible for me, because most of them have made me feel as if I was nothing throughout all of high school, some even middle school. Some of these boys didn't even realize this or have that intention. I just realized while looking at all of them that they made me feel small, ugly, and unwanted. I hated that feeling, but yet I kept studying, letting my thoughts overcome my well being.
The girls were a completely different story. Of course there were girls who made me feel small in high school, some with full intentions, but the main issue with the girls was being left behind. Most of the girls I looked at, I was friends with at some point or time. None of those friendships grew out of middle school, or lasted more than a year. As I was looking at every girl who's gotten stronger and happier without me in their lives, I grew petty and jealous. I got in my own head, believing I was the reason I couldn't keep friendships or have a best friend. My head was incredibly dark sitting on that couch and I remember crying to myself. It was then that I knew I needed to move around again, or at least attempt to.
So for the rest of those lonely hours, I wandered alone and aimlessly, still observing people I grew up with in high school. I went outside to clear my head and get some fresh air. I also wanted to try and get myself to realize that I was safe and the boat was okay. So I went to a railing and looked out at the view of New York. I think my head became the darkest place during that time, despite the brightness of the city. My mind thought of things that is almost embarrassing for me to admit, such as what would happen if I jumped over the railing. I wondered who would care on the boat, who would come out, if the boat would stop for me, and if I would be saved. I wondered what would run through some of my peers heads.
I shook off that part of my head, knowing it was far too irrational and unlike me. So I looked out at the buildings. I wished I was withing the city life, instead of observing it on water. I'm someone who's very used to New York, since I go to many concerts in the city. Concerts are where I'm the happiest. Whenever I come to New York for a concert, I know it'll be a great night for me, which is why I began to cry again. I was in New York, but it wasn't for something that made me happy. I was in New York, and I was miserable, crying over how horrible my high school years were and how dreadful the night was. I remember crying for almost an hour, while looking out at the view, just thinking such toxic thoughts. I was alone, and no one tried talking to me while I was out there. I was cold, and I looked around seeing all the girls wearing their dates jackets.
When I was a little girl, my biggest fear was going to prom without a date when I was older. This 'fear' was built off all the stereotypes the media has built up. Of course I got over it, but when I saw girls with their dates, I couldn't help but feel so small.
I went back to my friends table, but they were dancing. So I just sat there, waiting for the boat to come to a stop. My head was pounding, and I was on the verge of sobbing all over again. I tried to distract myself on my phone, but time moved by so slow. I thought we'd get off the boat at ten, but the night took till 11:30 to stop before we could get on the buses again.
When the night did stop, I got off the boat by myself and rushed to the bus. I managed to get the same seat that I had while going to prom, all the way in the back corner by myself next to the bus bathroom. I had full intentions of putting my headphones in and being on my phone the ride back, but my head was screaming in pain due to my headache and I wanted to sleep it off. So I laid down, but of course an action movie was playing on the bus and loud gunshots was the source on noise on the bus. It was hard to fall asleep to a movie that was so loud.
It didn't matter though, because 20 minutes into the ride, the bus came to an abrupt halt, and I went flying forward hitting the seats in front of me and falling onto the ground. My luck, our bus got into a minor accident. We hit a car that cut us off. We waited for about 20-30 minutes before we got back onto the road.
I tried to sleep for the rest of the ride back. I can't really remember if I did because I remember laying there trying my best to sleep despite how uncomfortable I was and how sick I felt. When I arrived back at the school, it was 2:00 a.m.
All of the buses in front of us got back at 1:00 a.m. Those buses had my friends on them, which I was planning to go and sleepover at their house. I ended up waiting for a friend to come back to the school and pick me up as well as another girl who was going back to their house with me. It was cold, and I wanted nothing more than to change my clothes, take out my hair, take off my makeup, and go to sleep.
Going back to my friends house took the night off my mind, and made me feel a bit better. I'm glad they got to dance and enjoy their night, I wish I was capable of making myself enjoy a night that's supposed to be every girl's fairy tail.
Thinking back to that night, I realized how awful it was for me, and how awful I let myself make it. But if I could go back, I know I wouldn't be able to make it better. What happened that night was bound to happen. It was a my own personal wake up call. I realized just how much I didn't enjoy high school. It's quite a bummer, indeed, but it's not the end of the world. College is my next step, and I already have friends going to Shippensburg that I know I can rely on while I grow there. I intend to make college my redemption. Prom was horrible, but it was also something I needed.
So yes, I hated my prom. I absolutely dreaded it. It was one of the worst nights of my life. But you know what? That's okay, because the media over hypes it, and not every girl has to be weighed down by the stereotypes. Prom simply just wasn't built for someone like me.
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