Falling In Love Means Mending Old Wounds
Opening up is the scariest thing I've ever done for myself and someone else, but it's also the most beautiful experience.
Falling in love has naturally brought my insecurities and fears to surface, forcing me to self-reflect more than I ever have. Yes, my past does not define who I am now, but the things that I forgot unintentionally as a coping mechanism, are now lingering.
I'm not used to being asked if I'm okay when I'm feeling down. The only words that slip out of my mouth are, "I'm fine," but it's a complete lie.
I'm not sure where to start if someone does try and pull it out of me, especially if it's him.
Now that I'm allowing my past to resurface so that I can actually deal with the pain rather than escape it, my emotions are a ticking bomb, ready to erupt at any given moment.
I feel so raw and vulnerable. I'm feeling everything at once.
Love and pain. Sadness and joy. The beauty and the ugly.
A certain song will pull out all of my feelings. A hug will induce the tears. A moment alone sometimes makes me ache.
Subjects become sensitive during conversations as if I were directly being affected by them. I'm too much in my head.
I've mastered comforting myself whenever turmoil took residency, to the point when he tries to understand and console me, I'm not sure how to express my thoughts or tell my story.
I learned to cradle myself. Kiss my own wounds. Wipe my own tears. Cover up my scars with many layers to where I almost forget them.
I don't want to burden someone else with my problems. I'm not wired to accept someone else's comfort and support, but I'm working on it. Seeing him work on himself too only pushes me further to do my own work.
Opening up is the scariest thing I've ever done for myself and someone else, but it's also the most beautiful experience. To feel everything to the fullest. To feel alive.
