1. "You really want to get your tongue underneath hers, too. Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve."
I mean, what better kissing advice can there be?
2. "Hey man, I got a medical emergency so I gotta bounce. Jack off twice and page me in the morning."
A teenage boy's dream homework assignment.
3. "It's not for me, but people will like it. It's Starbucks. It's what America wants."
When people post their whole life on social media...
4. "You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, 'Dinner is served.'"
The only way to ask for oral. No head-pushing!
5. "The mons pubis? Oh, it's the welcome mat at the pleasure palace."
Learned something new about my body.
6. "They're saying I'm a serial killer, but I'm just a chronic masturbater."
Just a small misunderstanding.
7. "I live balls out and I give zero fucks."
Jay, stop quoting your dad's law commericals.
8. "Love dies, let's bury the body together."
Guy Bilzerian plays both sides of the coin.
9. "All I wanted was a blow job at a high school party, is that such a crime?"
Yeah, actually, if you do that. But out of context, it sounds funny.
10. "Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your t-shirts. You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!"
We all had our rebellious phase. Luckily Lana outlasted it all.
11. "Why do you smell so good?" "Because I don't use deodorant and I only take bhubble bayths"
The only way to stay fresh. Self-care at its finest.
12. "I'm what's known in the medical community as a man baby."
Everyone's favorite coach Steve.
13. "The problem with your sink is that I have no idea how to fix it."
That may not be the only problem with it.
14. "I'm going to do sex on a lady, and a lady is going to do sex on me."
Possibly the best in-show song ever.
15. "Let's rub fronts."
Putting pressure on the mons pubis to really set the mood.
16. "Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, 'Do one thing every day that scares you,' closed quote, and I think this red bra scares both of us."
Using Eleanor Roosevelt to convince your mom to buy a nicer bra is a nice touch.
17. “Show her you like her. Kick her in the shins."
The worst advice from your favorite hormone monster. Just kidding, Connie is the best.
