To The Boy Who I Still Can't Get Over, No Matter How Hard I Try
I moved continents and still haven't been able to move on.
You make it so hard for me to move on. Not because of your charm, charisma, or stunning personality.
You don't have any of that. I can't get over you because of the manipulation games you make me play. I have tried to get over you for a year. I moved across the world thinking that if we weren't on the same continent it would be easier to forget about you and everything we never had.
I moved continents and still haven't been able to move on.
When you hit me up with that 'I miss you and can't wait for you to come home' text I think that maybe I'm worth something to you, something more than easy bang. But the reality is that I don't feel like I am anything more than another girl. You don't make me feel special, superb, or extraordinary. In fact, I feel exhausted, foolish, and anything but worthy when we're together. Yet, despite all of this, I still can't move on from you and I don't know why. It's not because you treat me with great respect, make me feel loved, or treat me right.
So why can't I move on?
One would think that after the countless break-ups, tears shed, and lack of involvement that that would be enough to get me to walk away. At what point will enough be enough? I am a strong girl who thinks she knows her worth. I know that I deserve someone who genuinely loves me, wants to grow with me, cheer me on, put in the same effort, if not more that I put into a relationship, and more. If I know what I want in a man and you aren't it, why do I stay? Is it because I have underlying daddy issues? Because I think I'm not worth anything more than what you bring to the table?
Even though what you bring to the table is dollar store cutlery when I deserve sterling silver? Why can't I get over you?
I've been on countless first dates since I've moved, but never initiated a second because all I can think of is you at home, waiting for me. But the truth is, you probably aren't waiting for me. You're filling a void by girl jumping, drinking cheap whiskey, or talking women up on dating apps. You aren't waiting for me to come home with open arms. I know you aren't, that's just the person you are. You aren't one to sit still and wait for one woman, even though this one woman offers you more than you deserve.
So, why can't I get over you?
I've been on dates where the men pick up the check, open the door for me, drive me around, and show great interest in the work I do. They don't become bored easily, insist on me driving and playing the male role. They are genuine and they care and they so badly want a second date, but here I am, declining second date invitations because you're the only one on my mind.
Why are you always on my mind when I don't even cross yours?
I have had men pour their hearts out to me. Tell me how they feel and open up about their past- something you can't do. It's like you're on an emotional lockdown and can't open up. Almost as if you are afraid or you're hiding something. I've tried for two years nearly to get you to open up and you won't. I've been patient and kind and generous. But my patience is running out. I've been open with you, that's just who I am. It's so hard for an emotional woman to be with a man who's on emotional lockdown.
But opposites attract, right?
If I know that you're not good enough for me, why do I still hold on? Have I really become the woman who settles for less than she deserves? Or am I trying to fix you? Either way, none of these things create the equation for a healthy relationship. I can't be constantly exhausted because I try to pry you open and figure out what's going on inside. I can't be the one to constantly put in work while you stand on the sidelines watching. I exhaust myself trying to please you and make you happy. Yet where is that on your side? If I can identify the signs that this might not work, why can't I move on?
I don't want to move on. I am stuck on the thought of you.
I am stuck on the idea that one day you will open up to me emotionally. I am so convinced that one day my feelings won't be bothersome to you and that you'll understand me. But one day isn't coming. It isn't coming because you're not the type of person to offer emotional support or understanding, let alone release your own emotions into the wild. I have to accept that one day isn't going to come because some relationships aren't meant to have a 'someday' moment.
But maybe someday I'll get over you and settle for what I deserve, instead of settling for less than.
