This short story is a piece that I, Jordon Seig, wrote. All characters, places, and ideas are purely fiction. Any similarities are purely coincidental. This short story can also be found on my Wattpad page: @Jordoniscool5
I sit in the booth of the restaurant where we had our first date, almost a year ago. I chew nervously on the skin around my nails. Painfully, I slid my hands under my thighs allowing my right leg to bounce.
These past two months have been horrible for me. My anxiety has been through the roof and my depression has led to a pile of clean dishes being stacked for weeks that I simply can't put away. Every bit of happiness I see is like a knife in my chest and it's couples who twist the knife and shove it further.
Yet I continue to try and love with my bruised and bleeding heart. Every day I am losing blood, my happiness and love and I am growing weaker and weaker until there is nothing that I can give him as I beg him to help. He is always there. He stitches my wounds shut every time. He makes sure I get my strength that I am back to normal.
But it is an endless cycle. I am fine for a few days, maybe even a week or two. Suddenly, BAM!
The knife is back in my chest and everything hurts. I am growing weaker. I become distant. I seclude myself. It isn't until my last breathe that I beg him to help again.
And he is there. Again and again and again.
Every single time, he drops everything to help me.
What hurts worse is that I know I am hurting him and I don't want too but I do and I don't know how to change. Until I do, I have to focus on myself and figure out why I am the way I am. If being alone during my struggle helps me fight for myself, then I would rather suffer alone and fail than drag someone down with me as I fight through an endless cycle.
"Marlee," I look up and he is standing there with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. His hair covers his eyes due to the beanie that is pulled tight around his head. Cheeks burning red with coldness, he takes a seat across from me after ordering a hot chocolate.
"You've been distant again." His voice is soft and it takes everything in my being to not let the dam break to soon.
Despite the painful lump in my throat, I manage to find my voice, "I know. " My chest hurts and I crack my knuckles.
I cut him off, "We need to break up."
The look on his face is another knife in my chest. His mouth drops open and then closes, his eyebrows knitted together. "What makes you say that?"
I turn away and look outside the window. The window is slightly foggy due to the icy weather outside. Despite the temperatures, couples and families walk along the streets with thick jackets lined with fake fur. Their cheeks and nose are bright red but there are smiles on their faces as they look in windows of various stores. I can almost feel the coldness lapping against my face. But instead, I can feel in my chest, crawling inch by inch as it consumes my entire being until I am nothing but a weak and frail piece of ice where even the slightest touch threatens to melt me. If you hold on to long to it, it will melt into liquid and the only way it will reform is by letting me refreeze once more.
I turn and stare into his beautiful eyes, " I can't do this to you anymore." This only confuses him more.
"I can't do this to you anymore. " I repeat.
"Do what? What can't you do?" He asks reaching across the table for my hand but I pull it away.
"Us. It's not you. I know people say that when it really is the other person but I can promise that it is not you. It is me. I can't give you the love you deserve when I can't even love myself."
"But Marlee, that's okay." He takes a hold of his mug of hot chocolate, desperation, and sadness in his eyes, "We are okay. We are a team. We can do this."
I shake my head tears pricking at my eyes, "You can but I can't. I can't keep living like this. I can't keep relying on you to be there to pick me up whenever I fall down." Tears softly glide down my cheeks.
"I love you, I do but I can't keep hurting you." He opens his mouth to interject but I continue. " Don't say I am not hurting you because I know I am. Every time I pull you in, I just push you away. It isn't healthy. I can't keep doing this" Tears are now streaming down my face and I push them away with the back of my hand before resting my hand on top of his.
"I am going to get help. I can't keep living like this. I love you. What we have is special and I hope this doesn't ruin what we have but until I figure myself out, I can not be in a relationship. I would rather suffer alone and have to rely on myself or die than to crawl back to you, only to push you away again."
A tear streams down his cheeks, "Marlee you are such a beautiful woman and you have been through so much sh!t in life. You are stronger than you look. Do not ever change for anyone. I am proud of everything that you are. I love you more than words can say." His hand grabs mine and he kisses the back of my hand. "I am always going to be here for you."
If hearts could literally explode than that's exactly what my heart feels like. It feels like someone has ripped my heart from my chest, thrown it on the ground, stomped on it, ran over it, stabbed it and then threw it into a ditch to let it rot.
I pull my hands away and I leave. Stepping outside, the freezing cold bites at my face and my eyes burn with sadness but deep inside there is a spark that has ignited and I am going to do whatever it takes to feel whole and warm again, no matter what it takes.