A Satirical Guide To Surviving College
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A Satirical Guide To Surviving College

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A Satirical Guide To Surviving College
College Bound

College is a very emotional, confusing place, especially as a freshman. You are essentially an invisible little guppy in an ocean of athletes, homework, dress codes, relationships, peer pressure, impossible professors and the idea of becoming a senior and going off to “the real world” in the not-so-distant future. The following guide will hopefully shove you in the right direction and help you jump-start a successful college career:


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The term “procrastinate” means to delay or postpone action; to put off doing something. Saving a project or term paper until the last minute is the best way to increase productivity. Most people, not solely college students, work harder and faster if put under a deadline. Procrastination drives students to success. Also, homework gets completed more effectively when you are “in the mood” to do it. Why rush this feeling? Not to mention that it clearly takes a genius to pull an all-nighter and write an entire term paper the night before it is due.

Sleep in Class

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The average college student has to endure several hours of physically being in a school or lab establishment, which in itself is not bad. But add on two to four hours of homework every night, extracurricular activities, athletic practices and games, social media, part-time jobs, time with family and friends, job applications and free time, and there is not much room for sleep. Logically, recreation can only be done outside of school and homework must be done at home. The solution is simple: catch up on those Zs during class. How else are you expected to feel rested and refreshed?

Learn to Multitask

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Multitasking makes life easier. The most successful college students have learned how to check Twitter, watch television, eat dinner and finish their math homework at the same time. This maximizes productivity and efficiency and leaves room to get the more important things done, such as going to a football game or watching a movie on their Netflix list.


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To “rebel” means to oppose a person or group in authority or to refuse to obey rules and accept normal standards of behavior or dress. Teenagers especially have a universal reputation for ignoring society and essentially doing whatever they want, simply because they can. So embrace the stereotype! Break loose of the chains of society. Increase your daily usage of “I don’t care,” “whatever,” and “turn up.” Act like you want to get arrested. Tattoos and rap sheets are badges of honor used for making your parents mad and becoming accepted by your other fellow rebellious peers. Who cares if it ruins your life—you’re in college. Do what you want; worry about your future later!

As you can see, college can be a very confusing place, especially when you have had no real previous experience. Hopefully, this guide has given you an idea of how to conduct yourself and live your life in the most effective and stand-out way during your college career. If you follow the majority of these rules, you will become a highly successful and popular individual (results may vary).

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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