6 Phases Of The Modern Break-Up

When my first real relationship was ending and my first real heartbreak was occurring, I asked my mom if she had ever gone through something similar. “Yes,” she replied, “I asked him to meet me somewhere, I broke up with him, and I never saw him again. It was really hard.”

How crazy is that?! Sounds real rough, Mom. That just does NOT happen anymore, and we all know it. It’s too easy to get in touch with people, which makes breaking up for good the first time almost impossible. Society has made it extremely acceptable to simply get back together with your ex (unofficially, of course) for about 48 hours just to have the whole thing blow up again. You ended for a reason. It’s unhealthy, people! But the reality is that it’s gonna happen, and there are certain unavoidable phases that occur.

Phase 1: The cry-to-all-of-your-roommates phase.

You guys break up. You rush back to your apartment (or worse, it’s an over the phone break up and they all have to hear it). You cry to all of your roommates, and convince them all to hate him just as much as you do in that very moment. Except, for you, these feelings of hatred go away in about 12 hours as it turns to sadness, and you start missing him. As for your roommates… they continue hating.

Phase 2: The I'm-going-out-and-getting-drunk-so-I-have-an-excuse-to-call phase.

You tell your friends you wanna go out. They take you. You are very devious, for WE ALL KNOW it is all just an excuse to “drunk” call him. He comes and picks you up from the bar because you say you need him to, which brings us to the next phase…

Phase 3: The we-are-going-to-be-friends-with-benefits phase.

I have played this game before. It is impossible. Stop. Just stop. You absolutely cannot, I repeat, CANNOT be just friends with someone that you have loved and are probably still in love with. If it’s not you that gets hurt, it’s going to be him. Or worse, both of you.

Phase 4: The omg-he-hooked-up-with-some-b*tch phase.

DUH. He can do whatever he wants, he is technically single. And don’t pretend like you didn’t make out with the guy from Psychology class last weekend! You guys aren’t dating, you aren’t exclusive, and it’s messy. Once this phase occurs, the friends with benefits phase has ended (unless you want an STD), and you’re actually upset now.

Phase 5: The it’s-really-over-I-can’t-believe-it phase.

This phase is the worst. You didn’t want to believe it for months (or in my case, years), but now you know that it’s not going to work. I don’t remember where I read this, but it was the best advice I have ever read… Text him and tell him not to take it personally, but you need to get over him and block him from everything. Proceed to block his number, unfriend him from Facebook (and EVERY other social media outlet.. that includes Snapchat) and know that you can always become friends again once seeing a picture of him and another girl doesn’t make your heart break in half.

Phase 6: The I'm-ready-to-be-in-another-relationship phase.

Obviously the best phase. Find a better guy, vow to make the (possible) break up with him much more simple, and enjoy. The most fun part of a relationship is the beginning.