To the old me,
I wish you knew how special you are way before you realized it. I wish you valued yourself, your emotions and feelings years ago.
It hurts my heart.
It hurts my heart to think back to all those dark days in high school. The ones where you'd sit alone in a dark room, individual tears rolling down your cheeks as you muffled your sniffles.
I wish you knew it was okay to reach out for help when you needed it. You were so ashamed of how you felt, and you didn't know why you felt that way, either. The whole ordeal just seemed like too much, like making a big deal out of it would be such a bother.
But you needed the help, and if you had gotten it sooner, maybe you could have started loving yourself long before you truly did.
Now self-love is a tricky situation.
Current me loves myself, but current me is still the same person that traveled the dark road of depression. That will never go away.
And so some days, I pity myself; I regret to admit that I do in fact love myself. Believe it or not, that is OK. I am allowed to have off days, days where napping gives me happiness and a little harmless procrastination doesn't spiral into uncontrollable stress. Yet, it is only because I know now that the darkness does not last forever.
Everyone struggles. When I did, I thought there would be no end. Paranoia and constant worry took over my mind, my thinking and rationalization.
I still have anxiety, pretty bad anxiety, in fact. But now I know it is not a permanent facet of my life; it is only a current feeling, like happy or sad. Now I know how to cope with the emotions and to move past them.
I have mental illnesses, and that will never change, but the new me knows that my worth outweighs whatever is bringing me down in the moment.
The new me knows that I can get back up again after falling, no matter how hard I fell.
And for once in this lifetime, the new me understands my purpose.
Who I've always been destined to be.