When Everything Is Going Wrong

You're sitting in your dimly lit room. You've been staring at the wall for what seems like ages. Everything's silent except for the thoughts swarming around like a massive tornado in your head.

Back and forth, back and forth. As one thought comes in, five more overlap it and so on. The four walls around you seem like they're closing in on you. You feel trapped and even the plain white door across the room can't save you this time. There's no way out. Back and forth, back and forth. You're beginning to feel overwhelmed. The tears are building up and the harder you try to hold it all in the more difficult it becomes.

Back and forth, back and forth. Something's off. Maybe you're not quite sure what is exactly wrong, all you know is that life just doesn't seem to be on your side at the moment. Or maybe you know exactly what's wrong and you can't figure out what to do. You begin to feel like you're drowning as the millions of thoughts running through your mind start to consume every bit of your being. Back and forth, back and forth. All you want to do is cry. Scream. Find an escape. Anything to clear your mind and get you out of the mess you're in. Those four walls are only getting closer and with your back up against the wall you can't hold it in any longer.

As the tears stream down your face, you just sit there. Back and forth, back and forth. Questions come knocking at your door only to find that the answers aren't there to greet them with a warm smile. You've come to realize that in this very moment you're at war with yourself. So you start to tell yourself things like "Stop crying." Or "It'll get better." The clock is ticking. The seconds, the minutes, even the hours, they're all passing by but yet you can't seem to get a hold of yourself. Back and forth, back and forth. All you want is out. Out of your mind. Out of that room. Out of the uninvited darkness. Eventually you stop crying but you don't know what to do about it so you do nothing. You begin to pick yourself up off of the ground and dust yourself off. You tell yourself that it's going to be okay only to find yourself reliving that very moment a week later..

So maybe it's a fight with a friend, a significant other, a teammate or even a family member. Or maybe everything just seems like it's been going wrong lately. You feel worthless, like you can't do a single thing right despite how hard you're constantly trying. Maybe you're starting to slip in all your classes or you struggle with body image issues, an eating disorder, or anger issues. Maybe you or somebody that you know have recently been diagnosed with something or there are financial problems facing you head on. Maybe you feel like you don't belong anywhere. Whatever it is, it's consuming you. You feel pathetic, you feel alone, and you feel helpless. You're in a fog and you have absolutely no clue how to get out of it. You hate feeling this way and it seems like everyone else's worlds are made up of rainbows and flowers. You feel as if you have this dark cloud over your head that's always following you around and you just can't seem to get rid of it.

Daily, people will strike up conversations with you, the usual small talk and you're off to your next conversation of the day. They'll ask you questions like "How are you?" or "How have you been?" and you'll find the words "Oh, I'm okay" or "I've been good" leaving your mouth before you even have a chance to think twice about the lies you're telling. Daily, you lead everyone else on to believe that nothing's wrong when the honest truth is that you're not okay.

If there's one thing you need so desperately to know though, it's that it's okay not to be okay. Do you understand? It is perfectly okay to not actually be okay. You don't have to fake it. We are all humans and being sad, angry, or disappointed are all natural feelings to have. Believe it or not, everyone is facing something despite how graceful and fulfilling their lives may look. You need to know that you aren't alone in this world.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

You don't have to go through life struggling by yourself just to get through the days. You may feel worthless, but you are the exact opposite of that. You may feel pathetic and weak but take a harder, closer look, you're a lot stronger than you think. You may think that it's the world against you and despite your search for support and help, nothing has changed but keep trying and I promise things will turn around. You may feel like giving up but I beg that you don't because in the end, it'll all pay off.

We all have our bad days, weeks, months, or even years and I know sometimes it seems like there's nothing good that could come from a certain situation but please please please keep trying to find the positive and the light in everything that comes your way. You weren't put on this earth because you don't matter and you aren't loved. You do matter and you are indeed loved by the highest.

So keep on keeping on. Take it one day at a time. Live your life to the fullest. And just know that it is indeed okay not to be okay but to always try to seek out the positive in a bad situation. Don't give up.