I'm sitting here in the airport at the ungodly hour of 5:58 a.m.

Why, you may ask?

No, I don't just feel like hanging out, watching people on their mad dashes to and from gates and concourses, but now that you mention it, it would be a great thing to document. After all, airports remain to be one of the best places for people watching. The wide variety of characters allows for a bystander such as myself to observe and make various attempts to figure out where each individual may be traveling to and why.

I'm sure each and every one of these guesses turns out to be as wrong as the gaucho pant trend circa 2008, but I'm giving it my best shot, here.

Below, I've highlighted the different types of people one may see in the airport. (I've also included a mini-personality bio, to add to the entertainment factor. You're welcome.)

The pajama-wearing, Pillow Pet carrying millennial.

You're not fooling anyone with that getup. The messy bun with beats wrapped around your neck or hanging from your backpack fools no one. I'm guessing your ultimate goal of this outfit was to prove to everyone that you "dgaf" because you're going home for the first time in months and you plan on locking yourself in your room with your dog for the entire week.

You also just might not have an outfit goal since you woke up as early as I did and you truly rolled out of bed looking like this.

The wanna-be hipster.

Skinny jeans with a flannel on or around your waist complete with a fedora? #artsyAF I bet you're supes into coffeehouse music that has a twist of heavy metal mixed into the melody. You also probably drive a Prius and work at a juice bar to pay the bills.

My guess is that you're on your way to tour studio apartments in the next city you're moving to. Your dream is to one day fill every record store (do those actually still exist, though?) with your latest EPs, and head to and from the big cities with a vibrant music scene is the way to get-er-done, as they say.

The classic business man.

Honestly, you scare the sh*t out of everyone. Myself included. Whether or not you're actually that important, you "fake-it-until-you-make-it" in that pinstripe suit that looks like it would cost me three months salary in my moderately-paying retail job.

Honestly, feel free to cut all the way to the front of the line, because nobody is going to stop you, I swear.

I bet you're traveling to far-off destinations that I've only dreamed of visiting. Although it would be an ultimate-getaway for the average Joe like myself, you probably dread this trip you're making for the umpteenth time. #RichPeopleProbs

The dude in the cowboy hat.

First off, I just have to say, "What in the hell is on your head?"

I know you're probably returning from a week-long vacation in Nashville or another countryfied place, but, please, for the sake of those around you, take that ten-gallon joke of a garment off of your body.

I'm guessing you're probably a dad of four or five, but, seriously, if your kids ever saw you in that thing, they would probably die of complete and utter embarrassment.

Moral of this synopsis: If you're not an honest-to-God rodeo star, TAKE IT OFF.

And last, but not least,

The guy I just saw trying to combine all previously mentioned fashion-trends into one not-so-fashionable outfit.

I kid you not, the minute I went to write my fifth and final profile, a guy wearing sweatpants, slippers, a flannel around the waist and a cowboy hat carrying a briefcase passed through my line of vision.

Thanks to whichever God you believe in for that one.

I hope that the main takeaway message from this piece is obvious: regardless of who you are or where you're going, there's always going to be someone watching you and getting huge amounts of entertainment out of what you're doing.

For example, not 25 minutes ago did I step onto a moving walkway and nearly break my leg.