There is nothing worse as a writer than sitting down and having absolutely nothing to write about. So, as I sit here in my room that's covered in white and blue walls and a black and white designed comforter writing whatever crosses my mind in this exact moment. Crying. I am lost. Lost in life. Being 19 is very confusing. Ages 17 to 25 maybe a little younger or maybe a little older life seems so confusing. Everyone expects you to have your life together but treats you like you don't know enough or haven't experiences enough or haven't even taken on enough responsibilities. The truth is, that is just someone else's opinion.
I have friends who work 2 jobs to help their families and support themselves so they can go to school. One of my friends doesn't work and go to school, truth is her parents want her to focus on school and get a good education. Other friends don't work and don't go to school. Not sure where to go in life and don't want to waste money or time on classes that might not need.
Then, there is me. Honestly, we are all on the same level. Not knowing who we truly are. Wanting to step out father into the world, making bigger decisions like wanting to get an apartment but knowing its all around cheaper to live with your parents and it makes rent money one less thing to worry about.
I work one job and go to school. I live everyday just feeling like I'm going through the motions and not actually experiencing life. Now, my mom is probably going to read this and cry. Mostly because I haven't told her I feel this way and there is nothing she can do to help me. I feel like I am always at school or always at work and never have time to and for anything else. I am lost. Unmotivated. Knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life but wondering if I will ever have enough strength to make it that far. Constantly doing for others, making yourself do crazy, doing 100 things for people on your weekend off of work and school, wanting to just relax but not wanting to let anyone down.
My granny died a few months ago, and life hasn't been the same since. Seeing her pictures makes me cry and I constant talk like she is still here. There was so much I still wanted to say and moments I wanted to share with her. Losing her was so unexpected its like the fact that she is gone isn't caught up in my reality. For the last 6 months I've been so numb to the feeling but realizing she wont be here to hide my Easter candy in her yard this year really hit me hard the other day.
Many times I can walk in my house and hear silence. No one talks here. When we do it just isn't enough. My family is struggling. Even though I'm 19 and soon a lot of the decisions my parents make wont have a direct effect on me, its hard knowing and understanding what's going on but not knowing what will happen.
Not to mention I'm stuck loving someone who is in a long term, lets break up every few weeks relationship he keeps trying to get out of but wont stay out of it long enough to realize he could be happier without her than he is with her. I just want him to be truly happy, no matter if that's not with me.
Or the fact that ALL of my friends say they love me and call me their bestfriend but never seem to have time to hang out or barely hold a conversation. I love all my friends no matter how dumb, hard headed or annoying they can be. But, I am the type of person that wants to know if I am wasting my time putting effort into a friendship that isn't wanted on both ends.
Don't even get me started on school. I am a college sophomore. I feel like I am always doing school work even when I'm just watching TV. No matter how many assignments I get done I feel like another one is not too far behind. I study without having to stay up until midnight or early morning hours to get an A or B on a test but everyone around me seems to stay up later than that which makes me feel like I am never doing enough.
I don't go to church regularly or make as much of an effort to be involved as I should. All I know is that every retreat, conference, night out with the group has taught me something and I brought me closer to Christ. There are many times I question his love and his plan. But, I have faith and look around knowing I am surrounded by people who love me and would do anything for me no matter what. I want to be involved and I constantly say "I never have time" but you make time; for the people and things you love.
To the one that is struggling. Know you are not alone. Know you are not the first nor the last to cry when you're stressed or scared of the unknown. Know you are enough. Know God is there if you open up your heart and let him in. Just because someone seems happy on the surface doesn't mean they aren't struggling with something. Know you are loved. Look up at the stars and breathe.