In Response To A Child I Never Got To Meet

In Response To A Child I Never Got To Meet

A miscarriage can be a tragic cure.
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I recently thought I've been through it all. Believing in God was like grasping at straws. I've danced, I've drunk, I’ve seen death, and I've witnessed life. But before I knew it, there was a pain worse than strife. I've juggled obstacles that seemed impossible to overcome. I've balanced the challenges thrown at me just to do drugs that made me numb. I’ve made mistakes in my life I wish I could take back.

I thought I knew what love was until the blood pooled around me and I witnessed love slowly dying. The rose petals drifted off into the silhouette of the morning, the tears spilling out of my eyes were able to drown my mistaken sorrows, and the new normal emotion became endless sadness and empty crying. I could lay in bed and sleep away all my fears, but I feel like I’m tucking in a child that is no longer here.

I’m carrying empty thoughts of “what could have beens” and imagining a life that ceases to exist. The constant throbbing and pain paints a picture of what it means to really go insane. My crumbling emotions are spiraling out of control; boy or girl is the difference between a missing piece and feeling whole. Not knowing is the hardest part, but falling on my knees and praying lifts a heavy burden from my heart.

If I could take it all back, I don't think I would. You were the greatest thing to happen to me; in a world filled with bad, you were my good. The purity of new life brings hope, and with death comes learning how to cope. With these words I write that I know you can't hear; I pray to the Lord that he'll bring you near. An angel was gained even though you went away. I hope to God I meet you in Heaven one day.

When I was younger, I never was one to dream about having children. I wasn’t a little girl who played with baby dolls. Babies always seemed like annoying little bed-wetters who just grow up to eat all their parents’ money. I never understood why families wanted children. I know how awful of a child I was sometimes, and that does not seem like torture I would like to put myself through. However, this one moment in my life, this one themed tragedy, changed my thinking on that concept completely.

I never saw myself as a mom; actually, I’ve always found it hard to imagine a future for myself at all. To understand this story, you might need to know a little bit about me. You see, I have this issue where seeing a future for myself is extremely difficult. I have always constantly struggled with whether or not I would see five years from now, four years from now, three years, two years.

I never thought there was a point to imagining a life that I may never even get to see. I came to terms with the fact that I may die young a long time ago. At 15 I said I would never see 16; at 16 I said I would never see 18, and at 18 I said I would never get to see 21. Well, here I am. I made it to 21 and it’s been one hell of a year.

It all started when I thought I was “in love.” *rolls eyes* Right, though? This boy who I knew was no good for me. Timeout. You know, we’ve all had a boy or boys that we’ve brought home just to piss off our parents? Well, that’s exactly who he was; the boy who pisses off the parents. Anyway, long story short, we did things that may or may not have ended up in the making of a baby. I didn’t realize that until I was home in May after the school year ended. Actually, once I did finally realize the situation and had that initial freak-out moment, I sat on my thoughts for a while. I started actually planning a future; I started seeing all of the possibilities float among the different galaxies at night. I could see it. I could see something.

This. Blew. My. Mind. Never once have I ever imagined a wedding, a family, children. I was always focused on working my ass off to become someone, to provide for myself, to be a woman who really is independent. I wanted to break the norms of “stay at home mom” or “childbearing prodigy.” I wanted to be someone more than that. That was, until this moment. Age 21 changed a lot for me.

I started making plans in my head and actually getting excited about something I knew I was not ready for. I wasn’t ready for dirty diapers and endless nights of no sleep. I wasn’t prepared for the finances of doctors, clothes, bottles, diapers, and God forbid college. I still, however, couldn’t stop myself from being just a little bit excited.

It was the next day when I realized that little moment of excitement would come to an end. I found myself on the tile of my bathroom floor wallowing in a puddle of my own tears. I had no idea where to go from here. Thoughts flooded my mind of it all not being real, but I knew I had to convince myself before I was able to heal. A miscarriage. A miscarriage. I had to repeat it to myself over and over to even consider it as a possibility.

I didn’t let my mind get the best of me for too long because the next day I went to the ER. They were able to confirm my fear. My skin turned pale and I lost my breath. I couldn’t imagine that the one time I finally was able to see a future for myself, it was taken away as fast as I was able to grab it. I cried for a while and I wrote about it a few times but nothing I wrote seemed to be good enough.

I wasn’t ever able to find the words to capture the emotion that I felt that day. May 14th, 2017. A date that will always resonate with me for the rest of my life. The reason that I’m able to see myself as a mother now. The reason I’m able to make plans for my future again. The reason I have hope again.

This experience was that of a tragic one. Losing a child I never got to meet. Not knowing if it was a boy or girl leaves me feeling empty. I’m nostalgic for what could have been, but not getting the chance to know. Although, I know in the end I won’t ever be alone. I believe deep down that everything in this life happens for a reason. I wasn’t ready; I wasn’t prepared or stable enough in my life to raise a child. If there was anything positive that came out of this, it’s that I’ve given life another shot. I’m giving my future a chance and maybe even a family.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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When You Make A Girl An Aunt, You Change Her World In All The Best Ways

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her the happiest girl in the world.

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My brother and his wife recently blessed our family with the sweetest bundle of joy on planet earth. OK, I may be a little bias but I believe it to be completely true. I have never been baby crazy, but this sweet-cheeked angel is the only exception. I am at an age where I do not want children yet, but being able to love on my nephew like he is my own is so satisfying.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her a very protective person.

From making sure the car seat is strapped in properly before every trip, to watching baby boy breathe while he sleeps, you'll never meet someone, besides mommy and daddy of course, who is more concerned with the safety of that little person than me.

When you make a girl an aunt, you give her a miniature best friend.

There is something about an aunt that is so fun. An aunt is a person you go to when you think you're in trouble or when you want something mom and dad said you couldn't have. An aunt is someone who takes you to get ice cream and play in the park to cool down after having a temper tantrum. I can't wait to be the one he runs to.

When you make a girl an aunt, she gets to skip on the difficulty of disciplining.

Being an aunt means you get to be fun. Not to say I wouldn't correct my nephew if he were behaving poorly, but for the most part, I get to giggle and play and leave the hard stuff for my brother.

When you make a girl an aunt, you give her the best listening ears.

As of right now I only listen to the sweet coos and hungry cries but I am fully prepared to listen to all the problems in his life in the future.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her the best advice giver.

By the time my nephew needs advice, hopefully, I will have all of my life lessons perfected into relatable stories.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her a number-one fan

Anything you do in life sweet boy, I will be cheering you on. I already know you are going to do great things.

When you make a girl an aunt, she learns what true love is.

The love I have for my nephew is so pure. Its the love that is just there. I don't have to choose to show love every day, I don't have to forgive, I don't have to worry if it is reciprocated, it is just there.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her the happiest person in the world.

I cannot wait to watch my precious nephew grow into the amazing person that I know he is going to be.

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The One Thing Everyone Should Do Before They Graduate

Why I wish everyone could have shared in my end of school adventure.

Lswitka
Lswitka
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The end of freshman year was filled with the abundant stress of final exams, teary-eyed goodbyes, and last looks at my dorm room on South Campus. The academic year was overwhelmingly busy, and I tried my best to soak in every single moment as a first-year college student. But as I'm sure many of you can understand, it's not always possible to make time for the adventures we so desperately desire. I found myself saying "I want to do that!" all year long, and here it was the last week of the year and my bucket list had barely been touched. All those Philadelphia excursions, dreamy coffee shop dates, and campus explorations that I looked forward to never ended up panning out…

… until last Thursday night.

With about half the freshman class moved out of South Campus, everything felt a little strange. There was barely a dinner rush at all in Donahue Dining Hall, and my room looked so empty it almost made me sad. Naturally, I called up a couple of friends. Within minutes, we met in the lounge, and we were off for our adventure.

Every single day on the way to labs in Mendel Hall, I walked past the beloved Falvey Fountain. It had become such a consistent part of my routine that walking past it felt like it was a necessary daily occurrence. But this time, we didn't walk past. In fact, we stopped dead in our tracks and admired its color changing beauty for a brief moment.

And then we dove in!

Yes, we jumped right into the fountain. First the daring adventurer of the group, then his sidekick, then the skeptic, and finally myself. This was definitely not allowed, but no one was around, and more importantly, no one cared. Being knee deep was freezing, but the adrenaline rush was too much to suppress. So we submerged further, dunking each other and splashing the icy water literally everywhere. My wet hair made way for the most epic hair flip of all time, and we all laughed joyously.

All the stress of looming final grades and the completion of projects, the bittersweet goodbyes to our newfound families, and the hassles of packing up for the year were washed away in that fountain, drowned in the euphoria of the moment. We were officially baptized in summer as it dubbed us the kings and queens of adventure.

Afterward, we wrung out our soaking clothes and snapped a quick pic of our drenched selves. Trying to escape the scene hastily, I dropped my bag of M&M;'s. They spilled everywhere, leaving streams of melty chocolate and food coloring running through the aftermath of our fountain dive. The scene looked like a bit of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory had exploded from the fountain and into the night.

I am far from kidding when I say that adventure is a must for everyone, at any stage of life. Whether it's fountain diving at Nova, or sky diving in New Mexico, something about us as human beings needs the unusual, exciting, and even hazardous experiences. This one was particularly cleansing and absolutely unforgettable.

So I implore you: go forth this summer and be adventurous! Explore hidden places, try new eats, shuffle a stranger's playlist, introduce yourself to someone on a whim, or just get in the car and drive with no destination in mind. This summer is for the bold; this summer's for you.

Happy adventuring!

Lswitka
Lswitka

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