I shut down and I shut people out. This is probably one of the biggest flaws of myself and I know I have this problem. The first step is admitting it, right?

What I mean by this is that when I get mad or frustrated at something/someone, I shut down. I refuse to think anymore about that topic, or if I do think about it, I will not talk to you about my concerns about whatever it is I'm mad about. Why do I do this? I'm not really sure. Is it because I have to think about everything before I say it, so I'm just trying to even formulate an idea of what I am angry about, but the process takes too long so I just stay quiet? Is it because I just don't want to talk about it right now? Is it because I need a second (or a couple minutes) to just refocus on what's bothering me? I don't know, maybe it's a combination of all of these, plus more.

Sometimes I wish I could just yell what I'm thinking without putting too much thought into it, and on very rare occasions, I have, but this usually hurts me or the other person more. I would love to be able to throw a good toddler tantrum every once in a while when I'm angry, but it isn't so acceptable for a 21-year-old to be doing that.

I shut people out. This "ability" has really hurt me and those around me. I don't want to talk about what made me angry, but you, as the person who hurt me, is supposed to know exactly why I'm angry. I am bad at eye contact when I'm mad, because it usually just makes me cry, so instead, I stare at my hands or out the window, or literally anything besides you. I pick at my nails or I flick them, or I touch my necklace. All of this, mind you, by being as quiet as the dead.

I never said that it was logical for me to act this way, I know it isn't. It hurts me because I can't say what I want. But more importantly, it hurts the other person or the relationship that we have because they don't know what I want from them. They don't know why I'm hurting inside and what made me so upset. And these are the people that I truly care about and they care about me. I push them away when all I really want is to be taken into their arms and hugged. Or sometimes I need to be left alone, but I always want to return to them at the end of the day. And because of how I act, I screw that up. I

I also know that I can hold a grudge for a long time. It's part of the family gene pool, I'm convinced. I'll get mad at something that should have lasted five minutes, but I hold onto that for hours or days. This is another way of shutting people out because I sometimes can't let something go. I harbor some sort of sick hatred against people that don't deserve it, especially for an extended amount of time.

I shut down and shut people out, it's not healthy, but I'm working on it.