After at least three years of self-hatred, I finally have started to try to forgive you for everything. Let's start.
For starters, I understand that you are trying to heal. Right now, you are in a time of grief and self-transformation. I know how much you want to not be alone, and the idea of being alone terrifies you.
Every Wednesday and Friday night that you aren't busy, you are so mean to yourself because you feel like you should be liked enough for people to invite you out.
But here's the thing, maybe sometimes people just don't think about you, and that's okay. You have moved around your entire life and you never learned how to make a lasting impression on anybody, let alone try to build that relationship with them. I forgive you. You are working on it.
Secondly, I forgive you for the pain you have caused other people. Here's the thing. You are messy. You talk way too much and you don't think before you speak. Some people find this trait appealing because you are "vulnerable" and "always open." Take the compliment and forgive yourself for things that happened in the past, or for things you cannot control!
You cannot change what has already happened, and sometimes trying to make it right after the deed is done just makes things worse! Sometimes silence is your best friend. Take some times to reflect inward and try to find things that you believe make yourself special.
After all, if you cannot bear even your own company, why would you think others will?
It might be a hard question to ask, but I think it is important. There are people out there that care for you.
YOU are the one getting in your own way. STOP telling yourself that no one likes you if you never get invited to a group hang out session.
Maybe you were destined to only have a few friends. At least you have some. Stop pushing them away and forgive yourself for not being able to love yourself yet.
Once you find true inner peace, it will get better.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Work out frequently, give yourself compliments, treat yourself, and take life day by day; or even minute by minute if you need to.
Life is beautiful, you just haven't found that out yet.
You will.
