How Kenny Chesney Stole Christmas
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How Kenny Chesney Stole Christmas

A Christmas Short Story

How Kenny Chesney Stole Christmas
MILK Photography/Jade Alex

Trigger Warning: Jokes regarding abortion, Asians, Jesus, and homosexuals. Vulgar language is used.

In the small Pennsylvanian town of Blue Ball, lived Jonathan Matthews. He lived in a pretty brick home with his wife, Lynn, and their daughter, Janet. They lived a simple life in their small, quiet town... until the year that Kenny Chesney ruined Christmas.

I was awakened by the sound of my cell phone alarm blasting "Merry Christmas From The Family". I grabbed the phone and quickly jumped out of bed. I slid down the laminate-floored hallway in my red and white striped Christmas socks, singing, "We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog." Only I made the mistake of sliding too fast and my feet slipped on the slippery, waxy floor, and I fell right on my ass. "He was a Mexican!" I sang from the ground.

My wife, Lynn, came to see what all the ruckus was. "What are you doing, Jon?" she asked, rubbing her sleepy eyes.

I scrambled to my feet and slid to her. "It's Christmas Eve!" I exclaimed over the music.

Just then, Natalie Maines sang, "The three from his first wife, Lynn."

My face lit up. "That's you, Lynn! You're in the song!" I said excitedly, pointing to the phone that had spoken her name.

She nodded, then kissed me on the forehead. "Yes, it is, sweetheart." She smiled at me. "You've always loved Christmas."

Our daughter, Janet, spoke next. "Why is everyone up!" she groaned. Janet was our sweet little miracle. She was born in the cold winter of 1998. I say she was a miracle because we were way too poor to afford an abortion and we had no idea about the coat-hanger method since Google wasn't invented until eight months after she was born.

"Because it's Christmas Eve, Janet!" I said to her.

She stomped her foot on the ground. "I can never get any sleep around here!" she huffed.

"Oh, honey," I said, approaching her. "I'm so sorry for waking you." I patted her head.

She did not particularly like this. She swatted my hand away and stared at me coldly. "Why can't you just be a normal dad?"

I squatted down to meet her eyes. "Why can't you just be a normal dad?" I mimicked her. "Why can't you just be a normal dad? Why can't you just be a norm- Ah, fuck you," I said, giving her two middle fingers.

"Fucking weirdo," she said, rolling her eyes and stomped back to her room, slamming the door shut.

I walked back down the hall, disappointed. The song had ended, so I shoved my phone in the pocket of my Elf onesie and walked back into the bedroom my wife and I shared. "I swear to god, I'm gonna fucking kill her!" I said to Lynn.

She pouted and sat down on the bed. "Oh, let her live. She's a teenager, Jon. And to be fair, it is only six in the morning," Lynn said.

I rolled my eyes and went to the bathroom to get ready for the day. I stripped out of my fleece onesie and hopped in the shower. Like literally hopped, causing me to slip. I tried to grasp onto to something- anything to steady me. Eventually, my hand caught the shower curtain, causing me to yank the whole damn thing off the shower walls on the way down.

I sat there for a second. The hot water hitting my face, the shower curtain covering most of my body, the ache of my ass bone. It was remarkable. But I was determined. I would not let anyone ruin my Christmas spirit.

I quietly got up and positioned the shower curtain back in its place. I put on some Christmas music and continued my shower.

I shaved the tiny red hairs that began to poke out of my face, careful not to nick myself. I brushed my teeth and danced around to the Christmas music. "All I want for Christmas..." I clapped my hands together then pointed to myself in the mirror. "Is youuuuu!" I sang to my reflection, toothbrush dangling from my lips and toothpaste running down the sides of my mouth. I thought about Mariah Carey's performance of the song at the Christmas at Rockefeller Center in 2014 as I spit and rinsed my mouth. "Ah, she fucking sucks," I said, then smiled brightly into the mirror.

I went to my closet to get dressed. I put on my nicest pair of blue jeans along with my Dixie Chicks Christmas t-shirt. I admired myself in the mirror after I put on my Santa hat. I knew I was ready to take on the day.

I was putting my winter coat on when Lynn stopped me. "Where are you going?" she asked. "It's only seven."

"It's Christmas Eve, Lynn. I'm going to make something of my day," I said. I kissed her on the cheek and flew out the door, saying goodbye to Lynn and Janet on the way out.

When I got into the family car to crank it, it wouldn't crank. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel. "Damn it!"

I pulled out my phone and called my Japanese friend, Kami. I told him that I needed my car jumped off and he said he would be right over.

I could see Kami's white van from down the road, so I got out of my car and waved my arms. Sometimes, he couldn't see that well.

He had lost his glasses in jail.

He pulled the van up next to the car, just nearly missing side-swiping it. "Hey, Jon," he said, hopping out of his van and starting towards the back.

"Hey, Kami," I said, following him.

He opened the back end and searched through piles of dirty underwear, handcuffs, and rotten fruit. He finally pulled the jumper cables out from under a huge blow-up doll and held them up. "Ah hah!"

We circled around to the front and he popped his hood while I popped mine. "So, Jon, what are your plans for today?" he asked as he hooked the cables up.

I shrugged. "I don't know yet. All I know is that it's going to be a great day!" I hooked the other end of the jumper cables up to my car.

After we got my car started, Kami came up to my window, so I rolled it down. "I'm going to pick up Burnie to get some breakfast if you want to meet us there," he said.

I smiled. "Yeah," I said. "That would be great."

On the way to the restaurant, I popped in my old "Wide Open Spaces" album and jammed out to Loving Arms and You Were Mine.

Kami and Burnie were already seated when I got there. Kami was seated on one side of the booth and Burnie the other. "Where am I gonna sit?" I asked.

Kami looked at me funny. "What do you mean? Just sit down next to one of us," he said.

"I'm not gonna sit next to one of you," I said confusingly. "That's fucking gay-ayyyye!" I had to elongate my word into another word because just then our super mega lesbian friend, Emma, approached us.

"Hey, guys!" she said, waving at us.

I ran my hand through my hair nervously. "Oh, hey, Emma... You didn't happen to catch what I said did you?"

"Nope!" she shook her head back and forth so hard that if she had hair, which she didn't because she had the typical lesbian haircut, it would've flown all over the place.

"Ah, okay, great."

She looked at me funny, then sat down next to Kami. "Kami invited me. I hope that's okay," she said.

I nodded and sat down next to Burnie. I sat on the very edge of the seat. Not because it was "gay", but because you could smell the pot on him from miles away. It was like his signature scent. It clung to him wherever he went.

"What would you like to drink?" the waitress asked.

"Water," Emma said.

"Tea," Kami said.

"Every soda flavor you have mixed together," Burnie said.

"I'll just have a hot cocoa," I said.

"Ooh, I'm sorry. We're out of hot cocoa," she said.

I sighed in annoyance and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Okay," I gritted through my teeth, "then I will have coffee. Thank you."

"What was that all about?" Emma asked when the waitress left.

I groaned. "It's my favorite time of year and nothing is going right."

"It's okay, Jon. Everything will work out." She placed her hand on mine from across the table.

I quickly yanked it away. "I'm married, thanks," I said.

Emma rolled her eyes. "And I've got a girlfriend. Get over yourself."

The waitress came with our drinks and set them down in front of us and took our orders.

I was a little scared to drink my coffee since I knew it was probably going to be piping hot. So, I ever so carefully brought the mug to my lips.

"Watch out!" Kami said.

I jumped and spilled the boiling coffee all over my lap. "Fuck!" I yelled, getting up from the seat and pouring Emma's water all over my lap. Oh and my friends just laughed and laughed. I stared at them. "What the fuck, Kami?"

"So sorry! I had to!" he laughed.

I sat down in the booth quickly before anyone could see the giant wet spot in the front of my jeans and accuse me of pissing my pants. "You're a real ass, you know that right?"

He shrugged. "You are what you eat!"

The whole table groaned. "Fucking gross, man," Emma said.

"Hey! You can't say anything!"

Emma ignored him and asked the waitress for another water.

We ate our food in silence. Burnie ate everyone's leftovers too.

We were in the parking lot after we ate, everyone by Kami's van.

"So, what do you guys want to do now?" Emma asked, taking a drag of her cigarette, then at the same time Burnie took a drag of a joint.

I shrugged. I was feeling down in the dumps. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going my way.

Eventually, the gang decided to go ice skating. Everyone could sense my shit mood and they all thought it would cheer me up.

When we got there, there was Christmas music booming from the speakers, green garland hung from anything it could, and colorful lights flashed in different rhythmic patterns. It was breathtaking! My eyes twinkled very gayly in awe as I took in my surroundings.

We got our skates and proceeded to the ice rink. A new song started and I squealed in joy. It was Jingle Bell Rock.

I was pretty good at ice-skating. I'd seen Blades of Glory enough times to know what I was doing, so I knew that it was my time to shine.

I skated towards the middle of the rink, shoving a kid down so hard that he chipped his teeth on the ice, but I didn't care. I was ready to skate. I lifted my hands in the air and yelled, "Jonathan Jeremiah Finch-Mason R2D2 Elliott Ronald Reagan Chuck Katniss Bush Did 9/11 Matthews: An ice-devouring sex tornado." I know. Look, it's not like I had a say in my name. Seriously! Who the hell names their child Jonathan? It's so typical.

I skated my heart out and danced the dance of queers flawlessly. The whole rink applauded me. I smiled and waved, but my victory was cut short as Emma pulled me off the rink. I frowned at her. "What was that for? Everyone was cheering for me."

"Pull your head outta your ass, Jon. They weren't cheering for you. They were laughing at you," Emma said.

I looked at her confusingly. "But why?"

"You ripped your pants while doing one of your gay dance moves, jackass."

I sucked in a breath and felt my jeans around the ass area. Sure enough, there was a rip the size of Lindsay Lohan's pussy right where my two asscheeks met.

"I'm going home," I said dully.

Kami and Burnie made their way over to us. "What's going on?" Kami asked.

"Dude... I have no idea," Burnie said, clearly stoned out of his mind.

"I'm going home," I said.

Kami frowned. "Why?"

I stomped my skate on the ground and balled my hands into fists. "Because nothing is going my way! It's my favorite holiday. It's like someone is sabotaging me!"

"Who could be sabotaging you, Jon?" Emma asked sincerely.

"I don't know, but as soon as I do, I'll let you guys know." I narrowed my eyes. Kind of like when a villain does right before they use their powers to kill off their enemy. "And we'll find them. And we will kill them."

I drove home in silence. There was too much to think about. Someone was trying to ruin my Christmas... but who? And why?

I walked in the front door at around noon and was greeted by Lynn. "Hey, honey, how was your morning?" she asked, kissing my cheek.


She frowned, noticing that something was amiss. "What's wrong?"

I turned to face her. "Someone is out to ruin my Christmas."

Then, she did the worst thing she could possibly do. She exploded with laughter. "What?" she asked, the giggles still escaping her mouth.

"I'm serious, Lynn. Someone is sabotaging me. And honestly, I'm feeling very offended right now that you would laugh at this blasphemy," I said, then walked down the hall and into my bedroom, well aware that my wife was following me.

"Jon, no one is trying to ruin your Christmas."

"Yes, they are! This day has been the absolute worst. I would rather watch Big Boo from Orange Is The New Black make out with Sarah Palin than to go through the shit I went through today!"

She sighed. "Okay, sweetheart. Whatever you say." She gave up. She wasn't very fond of my shenanigans. When we first met, she found them cute and amusing, but nowadays she found them childish and exhausting.

She walked out of the room, leaving me with my racing thoughts.

Then, I got to work. I was determined to find out who was trying to ruin my Christmas.

It took a while, but I finally managed to find out who the culprit was. I called the boys (and Emma) to tell them I'd found out.

In mere minutes, we were all there in Lynn and I's bedroom. I had pictures plastered on the wall, all of them connected by pins and string. I had the whole Michael Connelly setup.

I explained my detective work with the steps of the scientific method.

"I made my observation. It's that my day has been really fuckin' shitty," I said, nodding, making sure everyone was following.

"Next, I formed my question. Who is trying to ruin my Christmas? Step three, I came up with a hypothesis. I started off with three people." I held three fingers up. "Kami." I put one finger down. "Katy Perry." I put another one down, leaving my middle finger erected in the air. "Or the moldy piece of cheese from the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series."

Kami looked at me confused. "Jon, why would any of those people be trying to ruin your Christmas?"

I put my finger to his lips. "Shh," I said, then continued. "I had to conduct my experiment. It couldn't be Kami because he's Japanese. In Japan, Christmas is more of a time to spread happiness. It couldn't be Katy Perry since she's too busy getting naked on the beach with Orlando Bloom. And it couldn't be the moldy cheese because it just got put in the psychiatric hospital for it's crippling depression last month," I explained.

"So, who is trying to ruin your Christmas, then?" Emma asked.

I closed my eyes, sighing. "I then came to the startling realization." I paused for effect.

"Jon!" Kami said urging me to get on with it.

"The person trying to ruin my Christmas is..."

"Just spill it already!" Emma yelled.

"Kenny Chesney."

The room went dead silent. Nobody said anything. No one dared to move a muscle. I swear I could hear hearts thumping hard against ribcages.

"I know you're all wondering how I've come to this conclusion."

Everyone nodded.

"Let me explain. First, Janet came in being a complete bitch to me this morning. Janet starts with a J. What letter comes after J? K!" I looked to Kami. "Kami, you should be writing this down."

"Oh, right," he said, pulling a notepad and a pen out of his pockets. Asian people are so smart.

"I slipped in the shower today. On the treacherous way down, I pulled my shower curtain off the wall. What color is my shower curtain? Emerald green. E!" I pointed to Kami, indicating he should write that down.

"Then, my car wouldn't start. My car is a Nissan Wingroad. But I wish I had a Nissan Nismo. What do Nissan and Nismo have in common? N and N. Write that down!"

Kami quickly jotted the two letters down on the pad, clearly intrigued by my intelligent thinking.

"At breakfast, they were out of hot cocoa. Our waitress had to tell us the heartbreaking news. What color were her grimy teeth? Yellow. Y!"

The room felt still and almost erotic. Everyone was trying to process the mind-boggling information I had given them. I knew they wouldn't get it right away like I did, but I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to be nice.

"Now. Kenny. Who's the most popular man with that name? Kenny Chesney. Therefore, Kenny Chesney is trying to ruin my Christmas," I said, finalizing my thoughts.

"So what do we do?" asked Emma.

I narrowed my eyes to tiny slits. "We've got to kill Kenny Chesney." My tone was dark, serious. I meant business. Because some days, you gotta dance, live it up when you get the chance. 'Cause when the world doesn't make no sense and you're feeling just a little too tense, gotta loosen up those chains and tie Chesney to the fence.

"So... Where do you think he lives?" Burnie asked.

"Where is the most country place in the world, Burnie?" I placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Uhhh... I don't know, man."

I took my hand off of his shoulder and wiped it on my jeans. "Guys, put on your cowboy boots and open you up a cold one 'cause we're going to Wichita Falls, Texas."

In a short fifteen minutes, we were at the airport. Yes, I had spent all of our savings on plane tickets without asking my wife. She was going to murder me when I got back, but it didn't matter. Kenny Chesney had to pay.

The flight to Wichita Falls was exhausting. I had to sit in between Burnie and a gross, snoring bald dude who's body took the shape of a bowling ball. The smell of pot and must and puffy Cheetos and sweat mixed together right at my nostrils. I wanted to die.

We arrived in the small town at around three in the afternoon. We were starving, so we decided to stop for food. There weren't many options and since we were in Texas, 90% of the population was Whataburgers.

After eating a big, greasy, hunk of shit meal, we tried to plan out what our next step was.

"We've got to find out where Kenny Chesney lives," I said in a determined tone.

Then, suddenly, in the middle of Whataburger, Robert Downey Jr. materialized out of thin air. He was dressed in a white robe and sandals.

"Robert Downey Jr.?" I asked in amazement. Lynn was never going to believe this.

"Yes," he said. His voice was pure and angelic. "It is I, RDJ. Robert Downey... Jesus."

Emma quietly left the room, leaving Kami, Burnie, and I, sucking in our breaths, obviously shocked. Then, Robert gasped and covered his baby-maker. "Am I exposed?" he asked very gayly.

I shook my head. "No! You're Jesus?"

"Oh," he said, returning back to his straight composure. "Yes. I am Jesus."

"What are you doing here, Jesus?" Kami asked.

"I am here to lead you to Kenny Chesney."

My heart swelled. "Thank you, Jesus! You're the coolest guy ever," I swooned.

Robert Downey Jesus put on a pair of sunglasses. "I know." He smirked.

"So, how do we get to Kenny Chesney?" I asked.

"You must follow the sound of his shitty music. You will hear it. Trust me, he blasts it all damn day." He shook his head and rolled his eyes.

I got up, my eyes teary, and hugged him. "I love you, Jesus. Will you take me to the zoo, Jesus?"

He wrapped his scrawny arms around me and nodded. "Of course, Jon."

My eyes got wide and a giggle fell from my lips. I squealed and jumped up and down like fucking faggot because Jesus was taking me to the zoo.

After Jesus and I got back from our fun trip to the zoo, Kami, Burnie, and Emma were pissed, but I didn't care. I had the greatest time with Jesus and that's all that mattered.

We walked down the street, ears opened, listening for the sweet tang of Chesney's voice.

About ten minutes into our walk, we heard it. It was calling to us, specifically me. So, the four of us, the Japanese sex-offender, the huge pothead, the super mega lesbian, and me, the ginger Dixie Chicks super-fan, set off towards the music.

It lead us to a red barn. It towered over us and cast a dark shadow on the hay-covered ground. Slowly, we approached the huge barn. I was nervous. So was everyone else except Burnie. Burnie didn't know what the hell was going on.

I held up a hand to my friends and mouthed. "One, two, three!"

Then we burst through the doors and into the barn. We were shocked, confused, and Kami, maybe even a little turned on by what we saw. There he was, Kenny Chesney in the flesh. Literally. He laid upon a big tractor, completely nude, a cowboy hat on his head, and a bottle of Bud Light in his hand.

He jumped up and tried to cover himself, but it was too late. We'd already seen everything. "Who are you!" he yelled from his tractor throne.

"Kami, now!" I screamed.

Kami jumped up on the tractor and started to strangle Kenny Chesney with a bondage tie.

Chesney struggled for air while I made my way up the tractor. "You're trying to ruin my Christmas. Why?" I asked.

Kami loosened the tie so he could speak.

Kenny Chesney took in multiple gulps of air before speaking. "It's true! I am trying to ruin your Christmas!" he admitted.

"I knew it!" I said. "Why!" I demanded.

"Because. According to my calculations, you, Jonathan Jerimiah Finch-Mason R2-"

"I get it!" I cut him off.

"Right. You are the biggest Dixie Chicks fan in the whole entire world."

"Damn right I am!"

Kenny Chesney threw his hands up in the air. "Exactly! That's why I'm trying to ruin your Christmas."

We were all confused, trying to process his ludicrous statement. "You're trying to ruin my Christmas because I'm the biggest Dixie Chicks fan in the world?"

He nodded. "They're ruining country music. Ever since they did that performance with Beyonce at the CMA's, my album sales have dropped drastically," he said.

I processed what he said. My tiny brain was working in overtime. "Well, have you ever thought just maybe your album sales dropped because you fucking suck?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yes, I did take that into consideration, but I just don't think that's it. I've been sucking for years on end, yet people still bought my music."

"Yes, this is very true..."

Kenny Chesney held up a finger. "But. I will agree to stop ruining your Christmas."

I narrowed my eyes to the size of tiny vaginas. "Oh, yeah? And how is that?"

"Stop supporting the Dixie Chicks," he said calmly.

"No way! I love the Dixie Chicks. They bring more love to flow in between us. To take us and hold us and lift us above. If there's ever an answer, it's more love," I said. Then, Emma played the instrumental for "More Love" and I started to sing the country tune. I sounded like a complete redneck angel.

Kenny Chesney's eyes were shining with tears. "You're right, Jon," he said, a tear rolling down his cheek. "That's all we need. It's more love," he sniffled. "Jonathan, thank you."

"You're welcome," I said, smiling. I had felt accomplished. I taught Kenny Chesney the real meaning of Christmas. The Dixie Chicks. "I still have to kill you, though." I pulled out my small handgun from home. The airport security didn't check my bags or pockets since I didn't have a tint to my skin. That was nice.

Fear swam in his eyes. "Why?" he cried out.

"Because your music makes me and ninety-eight percent of Americans blow our brains out. That's why, you filthy, uneducated, 'I fucked my cousin' attitude having piece of shit." I pulled the trigger.

Kenny Chesney was dead. The barn was silent. The only sound was the blood dripping onto his tractor that I most definitely did not find sexy.

"I did what I had to do," I said.

My three best friends nodded in silent understanding. I knew they'd support me. We boarded our plane that night, our shoulders heavy with the passing of Chesney, but also, my heart filled with the Christmas spirit once again.

Lynn was pissed when I arrived home at seven in the morning on Christmas Day. "Merry Christmas, Lynn, I love you!" I said, hugging her.

"Aw, Jon, I love you too." She was no longer pissed. She must have seen the queer twinkle in my eye.

Janet the bitch emerged from her messy, teenage bedroom with a smile on her face. "Merry Christmas Mom and Dad!" she said with cheer.

"Oh, Janet! Merry Christmas, honey," I said and skipped to her.

"That was really fucking gay, Dad." Her smile had disappeared and she was back to her cunty self. I wouldn't want her to be any other way.

"Jon, I got you this present," Lynn said, handing me a box wrapped in ornate green and red wrapping paper, a golden bow topping it.

I tore the wrapping paper off and saw a white box. I knew it was clothes. I tried to hide the disappointment on my face. This present wasn't going to be the gravy train from the movie Coraline. I sighed and opened it anyway. In the box laid a red and white striped sweater. It looked like something Kurt Hummel from Glee would wear. "Thank you, honey, I love it," I lied.

"You're welcome," Lynn said. "Put it on!"

"Oh, um, well, it's kind of hot in here," I said, trying my best to get out of wearing the sweater.

"You know how the song goes, Jon. 'Don we now our gay apparel'," Lynn chimed.

"Well, it can't get any gayer than this," I mumbled, putting the sweater on.

Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Kami, Burnie, and Emma. They each had a present for me. Kami gave me a DIY 50 Shades of Grey kit, Burnie gave me an old pipe, and Emma had bought me a brand new Rolex watch.

"We all agreed on a twenty dollar limit, I don't know what the fuck Emma was doing," Kami said.

"Probably fucking some old Ellen Page wannabe," Burnie said, laughing.

"Oh, you guys!" I said, walking out the door, my three best friends following me.

It was a great day. There was no more shitty Kenny Chesney, but Robert Downey Jesus reincarnated him as the horror we know today as Nicki Minaj. Everything has a consequence, right?

Jonathan, Kami, Burnie, and Emma rode through the town of Blue Ball admiring Christmas lights and singing Dixie Chicks songs the rest of the day. They made a Christmas tradition that year, too. Every Christmas Eve, they'd go to Wichita Falls, eat Whataburger, and kill a country singer.

They lived in peace and harmony with the rest of the country hating world. That Christmas was the best Christmas ever.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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