There are a few things in life that should always be hot: coffee (shhh iced coffee lovers, it’s okay), car engines, summertime, a bubble bath, oh yeah, and sex! Especially in the case of coffee, bubble baths, and sex, lukewarm just doesn't cut it. Just as there is a huge difference between a warm cup of coffee and hot one, there is also a big difference between sex and good sex… and most of the time good sex requires some element of heat. Though this should be an essential part of every sexual encounter, that isn’t always the case. In my recent observation, it seems that the thermostat could be turned up a little in hookups.

The hookup culture is supposed to be the epitome of sexy adventures: new people, the excitement of a night out with tons of potential for a morning in between the sheets with someone, the buzz and clinks of drinks, the thump of music, the dim lights and alluring winks across bars and dance floors, racy clothing, racing heartbeats as a handsome stranger moves closer. There’s dancing, bodies pressed together by the pulsing crowd, hands brushing knees and leaning in closer over witty banter at the bar, games, the chase and the catch of a cutie to wrap an arm around on the chilly walk home. Even with all these little teases, the lead-ins to what should be a night of flying sparks, when the sun rises the next morning and it often reflects a mediocre night of sex.

Did the heat in hookups disappear?

I’m sure it’s not absent from all hookups, but it seems that those nights that feel surreal and splendid seem far fewer than the nights that are rather underwhelming. Sex should not be underwhelming, especially in a scene like the hookup culture that functions specifically for the restless and the hungry. What makes that knee-weakening, raw desire for unforgettable sex, fade?

It could be that hooking up itself is the culprit; the rush of not knowing the outcome of another night can be exhilarating… or it can be exhausting. Meeting new people, trying to learn enough about them to establish some sort of connection if only for a night, is repetitive and tiring. In addition, the odds of meeting someone who you are wildly attracted to and who is equally attracted to you, that will also know how to please you specifically (all essential components for a sizzling evening) is obnoxiously low. Sex and other such activities take coordination and effort, and to make it great requires even more chemistry and cooperation, which doesn't naturally accompany sex with a new partner, sadly. It takes communication and time to establish a sexual rhythm with someone, which puts hook ups at a disadvantage. Mundane night after night can deplete the energy to go the extra mile to Sexy Town when someone smoldering finally does come along.

Maybe it’s the exhaustion of hooking up, or maybe it’s the transactional nature of it. The intention of a hookup is generally sex, so all of the sultry steps that should happen beforehand are overlooked and people go for the home run as soon as they lay eyes on someone gorgeous. It becomes a 3 step process of “hi my name is______,” heading home, and having lackluster sex that is neither memorable nor hot. It’s a transaction. If you’re not planning on seeing this human again, let alone sleeping with them again, what’s the point of putting in all the work to create a magical night, right? Or wrong?

Setting the mood with some music, maybe wine, dimming the lights, and having some real conversation can be tough when you live in a dorm room with 5 other people, or a shared apartment, or basically anywhere on a college campus. Pulling it off is a real feat of coordination… but I’ve seen it done, and in my personal opinion, it was well worth it. I appreciate those gestures and still regard the awesome dude who took the time and attention to those details as my hottest hookup of them all, so far. That’s the kind of thing that makes a person want to come back for more, to see what other surprises someone has tucked up their sleeve (or between their sheets, which are probably clean because this person has their sh*t together).

So clean sheets aren't all that matters, who cares about that if you’re with someone you’re so taken with that everything else is irrelevant! If we’re being realistic though, when was the last time you were that attracted to someone— so on fire for them you forgot where you were, what time it was, didn’t see the dirty clothes all over the floor, or realize the room sort of smells like cheese and dust? That kind of lust is rare. Maybe I’m a cynic, but finding a person who is so consumingly attractive that nothing else matters seems to only happen in the movies, dirty novels, or when there’s some alcohol or substances involved… and that feeling quickly fades once you leave the skewing lights of a party and see the same person under white fluorescents with clear eyes. Sorry about it.

Intoxication could be another culprit of cooling off potentially sizzling hookups. The augmented courage, the wild cuteness (or so your drunk self thinks) of the person dancing across the room, the warmth tickling limbs, should all facilitate toe curling encounters…. but they are only helpful up to a certain point, which most people far surpass on a typical evening out.

Eventually, the blissful fuzz wears off, the boldness starts to fade, the warm fluid feeling turns to lagging awkward movements; it keeps going downhill. It’s surprising what the eyes and the imagination can do under the influence, but what the body cannot do under the influence is a bit of a mood killer. It happens to everyone, men and women alike, despite popular misconceptions that only the guys suffer from alcohol-induced bodily apathy (to put it nicely).

All human bodies react rather poorly after excessive substances are consumed and don’t register all of the little touches and sensations that amp them up for what’s supposed to follow. Once again, all that’s left of the night is blah sex and probably a hangover. Eek.

Maybe my expectations are unrealistic and the hookup culture isn't the place to find the heat that makes you crave a person and their skin and their smell. Maybe that’s a relationship thing or just some other sort of thing. The hookup culture definitely has its benefits: no commitment, guilt-free flirting, stories, learning about other people, experiencing new things, and the lingering “what if” potential glowing in the horizon of every night. Even with all of these benefits, I can’t help but feeling like there is still something missing…

At the moment, it’s the toasty temperature of my coffee, which is now cold. Hot sex may be hard to come by, but a steamy cup of joe is definitely on my horizon tonight. Cheers to many adventures, hopefully hot ones, with not just sex, but goooooooood sex…

xoxo- Abby