Procrastinating studying for finals is hard when Shondaland has shut down for its winter hiatus, your friends are actually studying, you’ve stalked yourself on Facebook back to the dark ages of middle school too many times to stomach, and you’ve already read every article that has appeared in your news feed (i.e. this one).
As you're taking your textbook out of its wrapping, it dons on you that you need to buy holiday presents! Put that book down and head to the World Wide Web of online shopping. You probably already know what to get your immediate family members (unconditional love because it’s the only thing you can afford right now), but what about the others? Here are some suggestions of what to get those who often go unnoticed this holiday season.
The professor that’s failing you: the flu or whatever illness that you got from pulling an all nighter studying for their exam
The professor that just all around sucks: a prostitute because they probably just really need to get laid.
The one who never called you back: a prepaid cell phone
The One Night Stand: regift the sweatshirt and sweatpants you stole for that walk of shame home.
The RA that wrote you up for smoking weed: a gram of weed
The person you’ve cheated off of on every test: a CPR kit because they literally resuscitated your GPA
Your shitty roommate: a makeshift wall. Something passive aggressive to let them know you regret deciding to live with them because the deafening silence isn’t enough.
The friend that always hosts the pregames: a new couch, table, chairs, speakers, carpeting, food, apartment because it’s literally all ruined and permanently smells like alcohol or vomit.
The 2 a.m. Dominos delivery guy: a hug for being the only one to satisfy your needs when all hope is lost by the end of the night.
The one you’ve been consistently hooking up with, sometimes text, and you’re unsure of where this is going: an empty box as a precursor because, let’s be real, they’re probably gonna be ghosted during winter break. Or a set of handcuffs in lieu of cuffing season. Who knows, young love is an enigma.
The friend that won’t stop talking about their new relationship: a muzzle
The friend who claims to be single by choice: a reality check
Yourself: nothing less than the best because you deserve it.
