"Bang!" Hank Featherbum fired his gun. Now surprisingly I have not been on this end of a gun. In my many years of crime fighting the business end of a bullet never came my way. Have I defeated a Reptar-like monster from space, of course! Did I take down a group of bank robbers, literally hundreds of times. Bank robberies are a real problem here. I have even gone toe to toe with my arch foe Mr. Crackers in many wacky and zany adventures. However, a gun in the hands of a former member of organized crime not so much, I do not know what to do. They say when you are about to die you see your life flash before your eyes. I wonder if that is true.
"Bang!" my head hit off the side of the cheese vat at the factory. I fell from the high rise into a vat of liquid cheese. The cheesy goo was filling my lungs and as the mechanical arm that stirred the chees to make it ready to eat was mixing me into the chees as if I was becoming part of the cheese. But I really hit my head hard and my vision went fuzzy and I felt dizzy. However, I was in the fight of my life as I was trying to fight the vat to not drown in the liquid cheese and die a delicious death. As I was fight to get air from the chees it was coating me like and covering me to the point that I could not see a thing. On the rare occasions I could poke my head out of the chees I mainly just breathed. I tries to call for help but there was no use. My mouth was covered and my lungs were filling why cheese. I thought is this how I am going to die? I knew that being the younger cheese inspector in the cheese factory's history was a stroke of good luck that would only end in tragedy. That's why a lot of lottery winners die. It is a proved fact that people who have a massive stroke of good luck will have something bad happen to them. Like my cousin was promoted to be the next manger a Buford County's only Blockbuster and two days later a horse was circumcised.
"Bang!" something hit the vat of cheese seconds after these tiny little rodents came into my casket of curds. I could feel their tiny little paws crawling around and scratching me as if this was not bad enough that I was going to be killed with cheese. Rodents came into the vat to make my death gross. I remember this day because it was the first time I ever thought I was going to die. I like most people fear dying. Not the pain part I have always had a high tolerance for pain. When my nephew stayed the night he played with his legos and got them all over the floor. As misfortune would have it. I have to poop like never before. It was the last time I ever ate sushi tacos from the gas station. But my intestines were trying to expel all the poop from my body in an explosion of foul smelling waste as if the dam of Holland burst open. I ran out of bed and in from of the bathroom door… legos. I grit my teeth and John McClane'd it over the legos. It was a heroic moment followed by a horrible explosion of human waste that left rumble and a mushroom cloud over the bathroom.
But I always feared the dying part. Like wants happens? I think it is impossible to know unless you are dead. But I have never dead before so I do not know the answer and I do not really want to know the answer. I heard that you can go to heaven or you could go to hell. But like why can't you go to Ohio? Or a Wendy's parking lot? Why does over life have to be judged for if we were good or bad? In the chees business you brush with some shady characters and some of the best cheese makers are not the greatest people as this one cheese maker I knew. His name was Hans. Hans woke up every morning at 4am to yell at his cows and he ran his dairy farm like a drill sergeant. Every morning those cows ran laps and went throw an obstacle course. They were miserable and they all wanted to go back home to Crabapple Cove and cursed the draft that sent them to Hans' farm. But man did it make the cheese taste good! In that vat I thought I was going to die but then something amazing happened. I do not remember this, all I remember was hearing the bang. But a toaster fell in and fired the circuit and I woke up in the hospital.
"Bang!" ow my knee! That stupid table! I hit my knee on the same table every time. Before I set out to face Hank and fight him in an epic battle that ended in me winning and him trying to shoot me as a last Hail Mary try to kill him for revenge on me accidently killing his boss and Father-figure. I banged my knee pretty good. I was trying to leave my girlfriend's apartment. She does not like me risking my life to fight crime. I always tell her that the city needs me. I did not ask for this responsibility. But on that day that fateful day in the cheese factory when I fell into a vat of cheese that a ton of hamsters also fell into the vat and then a toaster fell in and electrocuted the vat and caused the mechanical arm to stop and allowed me to live. I gained a power that day. A power I could not hide from the world. I would tell her. What if Spiderman never fought crime? Or batman? Right that would be a shame and like them I could not hide my power. On that day I became that greatest superhero this city ever knew. She said my power was useless in combat and I should just stay home with her and braid hair or something. No I said. Was the ability to change cheese into hamsters useless against the space monster? No. Was my power useless against Mr. Crackers? No. Was it useless in taking down the mob? No, because every member of the mob was lactose intolerant. I did not think so. I did not ask for this, I did not ask for the ability to turn cheese into hamsters. I was gifted it, gifted a chance to be a hero.
"Bang!" the gun fired a bullet at me. Suddenly my days of being a hero are numbered. I look at the eyes of my would be killer and I saw the eyes of a man on a mission. I accepted my fate I knew that being a superhero would end this way. Heroes do not live long enough to collect social security. Eventually a bullet finds us all. I think of my girlfriends and the 85 hamsters I have at home. She will not like taking care of all of them. But it is no longer my burden to bear. The hardest part is to get them to stop eating each other. It's funny but the hamsters really like cheese and therefore they try to eat each other. The sound of the bullet was loud and my ears are ringing from hearing the same sound. As the bullet has my name all over it. Is this the end for me?
The thunder from up above explodes with intense sound. The clouds clap as the rain continues to fall. My wounds are cleaned by the falling water. The lighting danced across the sky. The flashing light appeared in the limited view of the night sky I had. The ceiling was gone in this house. My ears are ringing from hearing the same sound, "Bang!" as the bullet left the barrel of the gun. Just as I prepared myself for death the path of the bullet was interrupted.
"Noooo!" One of my hamsters that started out as a nice aged piece of cheddar jumped in front of the bullet meant for me. "Dr. Cuddles!!!" I fell to my knees at his horribly deformed body. He struggled for his last breathe as the cops took Hank to the squad car. I closed his tiny eyes. He was a good hamster.
"Hamster? I thought that was a Gerbil." A cop said.
"They are hamsters. They have always been hamsters!"
"Whatever you say Gerbil Man"