Well, let's kick things off with who you are now and what you’re like.
Life growing up wasn’t all the best for me to put it in a simple way. I grew up in a very unstable environment... Cops, CPS, missing a lot of school, moving houses and schools frequently, and bullying... A word everyone seems to undermine and not know the actual definition. Because of my situation, I was usually bullied by older girls who understood what was being printed and published in newspapers as my friends new a small gist of it; their parents knowing and doing everything they could for me.
I didn’t have the best clothes growing up, in fact, I had shoes from Walmart when everyone else had Nikes or Sketchers because Walmart was what we could afford at the time. I wasn’t the prettiest or the smartest, nor did I have a lot of friends growing up, either. I often tried to distance myself from people because I did not want them knowing what my home life was like because at the time, it seemed like everyone had a better one than me. In fact, most of the people I was friends with did.
They got to play sports and go on vacations and I didn’t. Growing up with people in and out of my life I never expected anyone to stay so I stopped getting hurt after a while and it was a regular thing. As I got older my life got stable for a while after moving in with my dad, but I was still like the younger me, never expecting people to stay, low expectations because that’s all I knew.
I wish things could’ve been different for me growing up but God chooses to put you in situations for a reason and sometimes they're tough but it’s about how you come out of those situations that matters.
I’m still growing and learning new things every day. I’m only 19 and there’s things I can explain to adults and children that a 19 year old shouldn’t because of how fast I had to grow up. I’d like to say I had to become an adult when I was around six - when you have an alcoholic parent, it’s something you learn to do. You learn to do things that a parent would be doing - not a six-year-old. The experiences were hell, not going to lie, but looking back at them all these years later, would I really be the person I am today without those experiences? No, not at all.
While those memories still hurt and come back to haunt me, I am thankful because it made me realize things at such a young age that things aren’t perfect, this world, the system, and your life, aren’t perfect. Something that even some adults still don’t understand. Nothing’s perfect no matter how much you try, it never will be, but that doesn’t mean you settle for less.
I’m 19 and I struggle with anxiety and depression and self-esteem/ self-worth because of the trauma in my life growing up. Mornings are hard to get out of bed, most days I just want to spend in bed doing nothing and that is what I do on some days (more days than I’d like to admit, but that’s okay).
Everyone has their struggles.
I’ve never thought I was good enough for anyone because growing up, I took care of everyone around me, including a parent, and it seemed like no matter what I did for this parent, it was never enough - knowing it was only because of the alcohol in their body taking over I now know that’s not how they meant to make me feel, but that is how I felt most of my life growing up. I always did so much for people and got nothing in return but always chose to see the good in people and block out the negative because people are different around certain people. In fact, at 19, I still do this. I get taken advantage of for having a big heart and taking care of people but I can’t stop because that’s all I know.
I wish there was a switch and I could just turn it off but I can’t and I’ll always be this way but I need to learn the right people to take care of, the people who won’t take advantage of me, and what I do for them. Learning limits and saying no has always been a struggle for me. I never fit in growing up so a part of me doesn’t like to say no because I want to fit in and have friends but I now know that’s not how it should be. It’s a hard truth pill to swallow but I’m getting there.
Because I grew up thinking I wasn’t good enough, it carried on with me to now and thinking like that is crucial because you want a relationship but how do you tell someone you don’t feel good enough for anyone because of how you grew up? It’s not their fault and it’s not mine either, but it’s my job to fix it and make sure I don’t feel like that but it’s not that easy.
I’m about to make a big change and move to a different state for a new start and yes, I’m nervous and know it won’t be easy, but it will do me good to go somewhere where no one knows me and basically start over.
A little something, future Alyssa. You’re growing up fast, time isn’t always guaranteed, you’ve learned that by losing your grandpa, uncle, and two close friends. You have big dreams so follow them and never give up, change the world like you’ve wanted to since you were 6, make sure no one child has to go through what you did, tell your story. Most importantly what you’ve said your entire life growing up... Never let your kids grow up like you did or put them through the experiences you did. No, don’t spoil them and let them become entitled. I’m not saying you can’t drink, but be careful, remember you have the double gene of alcoholics and it’s easy to lose yourself to it and think nothing’s wrong.
Never let your daughter or son grow up thinking they're not good enough, tell them you’re proud of them, something you didn’t hear often, never let them go to bed crying over a boy or a girl, make sure they know they're loved and the pain is temporary and there are other fish in the sea.
Most importantly, find yourself through all of your struggles; find your self-worth. There's someone out there waiting for you to come into their life, just be patient and humble, keep being that kind-hearted girl with a heart, too big to fix everyone.
Through all of the darkness, you found light and accomplished things through the adversity. Be proud of everything you've done and continue to do. You're going to do just fine if you put your heart into and never give up.
I cherish the friends I have now and will never take them for granted because I know as well as anyone they can be gone in a split second. I may not have had a lot of friends growing up, but the ones I have now are what matters and I am so thankful for all of them and could never thank them enough for being there when they didn't have to and staying even when times get tough and through all of the fights/arguments. Fix you before you try and fix someone else, love yourself before you love anyone else.
But, most importantly, never change. Don’t stop doing what you love because life gets you down. Remember, god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, how you come out is what matters in the end. Be the person you needed when you were growing up.