The start of the new year is upon us. Time for a complete reset and getting all those life projects done. You can plan your goals out ahead of time or take them on as they come. Either way, the new year will make you think twice about those resolutions of yours. It might make you think, "Time is a construct, so what's new about it?" No one said you could not have any fun. So here are some fake resolutions for when you are not feeling on board with the new year yet.
1. Twenty-twenty vision.
It's the most obvious one. All the near-sighted and far-sighted people know glasses are fashionable and functional. While eye surgery would make this more than possible, you could pass this off as a viable resolution. You could do everyone one better and say you are getting your twenty-twenty eyesight back. Fill this year with new sights including your own sight!
2. New baby, new year.
Nothing says new like a baby. They are better than older babies, right? Imagine the look on your family's face when you say you are pregnant. Now imagine their faces when you say you are pregnant as a guy. You could even pretend that you have a baby by using a friend's baby as a mock baby. Make Baby New Year a practical joke and a tradition! Or do it the old fashioned way, for dedication points.
3. Gym rat trap.
Most subscriptions have a safety net when you first join. There is trial period where you get free access until you have to pay. Why stay and keep all the bells and whistles when you can have the badge that says you do that (when you do not) instead? Sure, that gym membership card to Plant Fitness is lonely and takes up space in your wallet. But you have proof that you have been to the gym. And if anyone asks, you still do reps at the gym. Make sure to wear all black when you say so.
4. Been there, done that.
That bucket list of yours is either getting shorter or longer. Save yourself the buck and from tired travels by saying you went there and did that. Improvise your destinations and vacations you did not have the way you like. In this "no pictures, it did not happen" culture, say you were living in the moment while on a digital detox. Even if you walk to the fridge and back to the TV with National Geographic on, that counts for something. Adventure is what you make it, so do not be afraid to make it up. The best part, you get to say, "You should have been there!"
5. Make new (Facebook) friends.
Feeling anti-social but dependent on the knowledge of others? Do you hate the rigmarole of social discourse but need the recognition? Then social media is the answer for you! You do not need the warmth of a familiar face when you have the menagerie of the internet. Pick from a lineup of faces, information, and disinformation where you want. It is the spice of life times everyone with a Wi-Fi connection. Share everything you did not know before as if you always did all year long!
Resolutions will resolve themselves.
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