The picture above is the last picture I remember feeling normal Greta. I didn't know this at the time, but only about 3 hours after this picture was taken I would feel an all time sadness and betrayal, portraying itself to me as immediate fear instilled in myself, as well as being stripped of my peace of mind.
It was only one night that took me to carry this burden and instill this fear I battle with over a year and a half later. While I can wish this fear to go away fully till I'm blue in the face, I know that this was an event that has contributed to my story. And I could get into the detail of what happened, but to spare you from a long story and to avoid identifying individuals I will not. My intention in addressing this is to reach out to those who have had fear instilled in them, not anxiety or worry, but fear that they did not have control over. This is the kind that leaves a scar on your heart and mind, where each day, it slowly fades, but you know that this is something you will remember forever.
After having fear strike me, I realized that I must lean hard into God. And while this sounds cliche, I really do mean this. I remember that night not knowing what to think, but that it didn't feel real. But, I also remember sleeping and not dwelling on the results of the relationship. I know that sounds funny, but I prayed that night and I don't think I have ever heard from God before this, but God gave me sleep that night. He allowed for me to rest my mind and wipe my tears, and I rested. And for that, I'm grateful.
The journey has been long and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still struggle with fear to this day. My goal, however is to let you know that it does get better to those who survived tragedies and misfortunes. You will never return to normal, however, you will find a new "normal." You will learn that things take a deeper meaning and you will value life a lot more.
It took me approximately 6 months to not wake up with the first thought of my mind screaming at me "I'm the girl that [this] happened to." While this sounds dark, I just want to bring light to the reality that time doesn't heal wounds, but over time, if we let God and those around us speak light into our souls, we can begin to heal.
Today, I am leaning into God more than ever and am learning how to wrestle and stand strong against the fears that I encounter. I'm learning that God will never put anything in your life that you will not be able to deal with. You may feel like you are the only one struggling through life's obstacles, but let me reassure you, there is someone struggling just like you. You are not alone, no matter how extreme your situation or fear. Others may not understand to what extent it impacts you, but God is consistent and never changing.
Here is a verse for all you wrestling with fear. This is for those who are the strongest:
Deuteronomy 31:6
6 So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."
You are strong. You are not alone and God's plans for you future will far surpass your hopes.
