Part of me has always hoped that when I got to college I would know exactly who I am and what I want to do with my life. But I now know that was unrealistic because I’m finally in college and I’m still pretty unsure.
I swear my dad has been prepping my sister and me for “our” futures since before we were born. He pushed us to do well in school, debated with us over the dinner table, and had a plan for each of us. He will tell you that that’s not true ever since he adopted him new “you do you” philosophy, but it was. The whole process was stressful and at times I resented his constant pushing, but I’m happy he did; my dad gave me a desire to learn, to argue, and to stand up for myself and what I want. Even though I don’t always agree with his methods, he is still a role model to me because flawed and all, he still does his best.
My sister and my mom are also very important role models in my life. My mom is my emotional role model because she has taught me that feelings can be complicated and messy but that they are invaluable. I care so deeply and worry so much and it’s thanks to her; she made me want to help people. I think she is the reason why I am on the track toward becoming a social worker and I know she is the reason I want to take on the immeasurable task of “saving” people. My sister, Katie, taught me to combine the lessons from both of my parents, she is older so I follow her through figuring herself out in hopes of figuring myself out too. Katie has somehow perfected balancing school, social life, and how she feels so I’m trying to learn from a master.
With the help of these three really amazing role models and other mentors who come in and out of my life I am here. I have not perfected a balance and most of the time I screw up, but I’m learning. I don’t know if I will ever be as successful as my parents or as put together as my sister. However, I have grown a lot from who I was— I may not know who I am, but I do know who I want to be. I want to be a social worker who can help people and make a difference, and I want to be happy. Somehow I have to get from confused college freshman to productive and put together adult and I can already tell it won’t be easy. For now I am a little bit of a self-conscious, needy, mess of emotions.
I bet everyone wants to be something they aren’t so I suppose I will be forever working to be a “better” person and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I am a firm believer that we should always try and improve ourselves because no one is perfect and we aren’t looking for perfection, we are looking for happiness and a sense of fullness. I worry that four years from now or ten years for now or on my deathbed I will have regrets, a lot of them. I know everyone has regrets and I don’t want to feel like I can’t live with mine so I’ll keep working at it. In four years I want to be able to come back to you and tell you that I know who I am and what I want in life because right now I’m still pretty clueless.