I have always been a Christian, God-fearing woman. I pray each night before I go to bed and throughout the day when needed. However, recent situations and experiences during the 26th year of my life have truly changed things around for me.
To put it bluntly, the last 12 months have been pure H-e double hockey sticks. Grief, devastation, heartbreak, uncertainty, anger; the list goes on. At the same time, it has also been the year that I have found myself and who I truly am as a person. The core of my soul, inner and mental strength, creating boundaries to protect my peace and only exposing myself to people who I truly trust.
It has not been easy. Albeit, it was worth it. Was it? Yes. I have grown and become closer to my faith than I ever have.
Since last September I have been tested. Tested with patience, self and mental control, and prayed harder than ever. That was only the beginning- month after month, day after day, I was battling bad thoughts, depression, loss of control and the most stress I have ever dealt with in my life.
Last week, I decided to surrender to God. I was leaving it up to Him. I could no longer battle the internal struggle, the worries, the anxiety, the anger. How could someone do these things to me? Why does my Dad have cancer? Why is my mom still fighting kidney disease? Will I get into nursing school? How do I overcome this? Will it ever end? My brain was at maximum capacity. From the second I would wake up, to the minute I fell asleep- this is exactly what my brain sounded like. Non-stop every minute.
There is only so much a person can take mentally. Humans are not made to deal with everything at once. Although we can do it, there will become a point where you cannot. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. Some positive and some negative. Mine was to always deal with it raw without emotion. I would bury it. Then, it would come to a point where the dirt came up and here I was facing something that happened months ago. It always stayed in my mind, though.
I have reached a time and point in my life where the load was too heavy to carry alone anymore. There was no end to the emotional turmoil or mental battles that I had control over. So, I prayed and gave it over to God. All of it- and I mean, every single piece of it. The stress, the anxiety, the questioning. I am letting Him take control and decide my path. I control what I have the power over. I don't have control over what people will do or say, the illnesses my parents face, or what happens tomorrow. But, God does.
I could not spend one more minute angry, worried or anxious. Letting go was the most freeing action I have ever felt.
I immediately felt relief.
Many may not understand. How are you giving everything you are dealing with to a person you cannot see? To a person you have never physically met? Because, I feel God more than I need to see him.
I felt God in every hurdle I have ever dealt with. Do I wish sometimes He would show sooner in certain circumstances? Of course. That is where patience and trust comes in. That is where you are tested. That is where you learn to lean on faith and Him.
I spent so long being angry. Angry over so many things I just could not control. There is a common theme “let them”, I would also like to add onto this- “let it happen”. You may not know what tomorrow will bring. And I first hand understand how hard that is. It is absolutely stress inducing.
You may find yourself in a situation one day where you have no control over the outcome. It will be hard and cause you so much more anger than you thought could be possible.
Give it to God- it may seem easier said than done. I mean, heck, it took me years to get to this point. If it weren't for what I have dealt with this last year, I would feel the same as many others. Sitting in that anger. It is tiresome and will make you become a person you do not like. You will feel so far away from who you are. It will create issues with feeling happiness and joy. It will cloud nearly everything you do.
I am not saying to become religious, push what I believe on you; nor, am I saying to follow a path you do not believe in, or agree with. I am simply telling all of you to have faith.
Even if you do not, or don't believe, say it out-loud that you are letting go. Say it as many times as you need to. It will set you free.
Good things will start to happen.
I don't want to feel that way anymore. So, I left it to God.
Love always,
Mel.
