BEEP BEEP, Y'ALL!

Christmas time has been dropped in our laps and we can't turn back because the car is on cruise control and a brick's on the gas pedal.

In case y'all missed my last festively-themed article here, I'll bring you up to speed:

Boy howdy, do I love Christmas. I love Christmas so much that I look for friends' and family's Christmas present basically all year. That being said I'm basically a pro at Christmas shopping, so I thought I'd give you guys that waited until the month of – like noobs – a push in the right direction based on who you're purchasing your gifts for.

Significant Other:

Husband/wife/life partner, you name it, I've got the present. This is the person who has your heart and soul and is legally obligated to buy you stuff. If they try to wrap something you already own, lock them out of where you sleep. You don't need that kind of person in your life. Also, don't feel the need to be drawn into the jewelry cliche. Diamonds? Pearls? Absolutely not. What you need is the heart of the ocean – a fresh sea bass. Clinging to that jumping fish will prove to the love of your life that you can also cling on to the passion that you share.

Almost Significant Other:

We have our boyfriends and girlfriends. The ones who aren't tied to anything legally so no sea bass is required. But they haven't run away just yet, so that's cool. I suggest a nice pot pie wrapped in a green and red checkered bow. I personally will add hot cheese and salsa to the mix to show them that our passion for each other still burns like a spicy habanero pepper when you have no milk.

Crush:

Are you going to try dropping a few hints this holiday season? For the guy or girl you wish would grab your heart because you've been flirting ALL SEMESTER LONG OHMYGAWD PLEASE GET MY HINTS.

*ahem*

If you fall into this category might I suggest something that requires two people? A dual effort that requires two souls working together in harmony to create something beautiful in nature. Consider bringing forth a cactus into the world. Obviously a cactus requires a joint effort and lots of time and dedication to your cactus. Plus if it doesn't die you can casually mention that if this goes well, y'all can graduate to something more advanced. Like a cat! Or a garden at your 4 bed/3 bath home in Lee's Summit!

Roommate:

I recommend hyping up their gift for weeks on end, make it seem like a real big deal. If you catch them talking to their parents and you hear them bring up that they're kind of excited for what you've got planned, then you're doing it right. If they don't seem excited enough yet, use an expo marker to start a countdown on their bathroom mirror using lipstick. When the day of gift exchanging finally arrives, come out with a big spectacle. Large box, delicately placed bows, drum roll sound effects coming from your bluetooth speaker. What is the gift you ask? His/her shirt you borrowed four months ago. It got buried in that one pile of clothes you always forget to wash and, well, what better way to give it back?

Best Friend:

A nice brick should do the trick.

Siblings:

They either stole your thunder by having the audacity to be born after you or are just jealous because you're the better sibling, a dutch oven always gets the point across amicably.

Parents:

The people that brought you into the world, deserve something that you brought into the world. When you stop in for the holidays this year, show up with a baby.

Your baby.

Everyone's had a pregnancy scare once or twice in their life, but a baby scare??? Well that's near impossible! This isn't the Academy Award-snubbed film Three Men and a Baby! That's what will make it more real and only yo'll be in on the hilariously side splitting Christmas prank. Show up to your parent's house one morning with a scared look on your face and a bundle of joy in your arms. The baby is fake, of course. You can't throw a real baby down in anguish as you plead forgiveness from your parents to accept you and your new, broken family into their home (most parents don't know you can't throw a baby so your facade should be safe). Anyway, once you've given your spiel about how this baby just appeared on your doorstep with a note that said "Dear (Your Name), This is your baby. I'm sorry but I can't take this right now. Be good to her. -XO" XO??? XO?!?!?! Who is XO, the tension will be killing them! Once you've sat down and talked for a few hours over how different your life is going to be and the options for this child's future it's time to let the surprise out. When you see that joint breath parents do when they've both cme to terms with a big decision, jump up, yell "LOL THERE IS NO BABY, LOSERS. YOU FELL FOR IT." Then laugh and walk out. It'll distract them from your 1.7 GPA long enough to escape out the window. Extra points if you find/borrow/use a real baby.

Grandparents:

I know from personal experience your elderly loved ones can't get enough of being followed around with a low brass instrument, playing "womp womp" sound after every sentence. ISince you'll be too busy to do it after the holidays, hire someone to do it for you. They'l love the attention to detail.

I hope these gift ideas help you realize how special and lucky your family and friends are to have you in their sad, dull lives.