I'm a planner.

I like my lists, my color-coordinated pens, and for everything to be checked off my daily planner at the end of the day. I like having control over my future—but if this year has taught me anything, it's that none of us really do.

I started out college not having any idea what I wanted to major in at all. As a freshman, I was seventeen and just excited to leave my hometown and knew that I wanted to accomplish something great, but I couldn't put my finger on what. I've always been a passionate writer and a creative human, but I also know that creative and fun jobs don't just fall out of the sky. So here I am now, a year and a half later, at a crossroads between what I think I should do and what I want to do.

I planned on majoring in Economics. That seemed like a broad enough, sensible enough major to pursue that would hopefully open doors for me when I graduated. However, after bombing a test, having a few mental breakdowns, and threatening to my parents about dropping out of school, the thought dawned on me that maybe this wasn't the right major for me. As much as I am such an advocate for being hardworking and ambitious, I think there's a point where you should draw the line. There comes a point where you have to ask yourself: is it worth it?

So I thought about making a change.

I had to start at square one. My entire plan for the next semester and the one after that had to be completely reevaluated in favor of new classes and new aspirations. I had to press pause on a lot of fun things (going abroad, a work schedule, etc.) that requires me to know my major and schedule. The stress of not making the right decision was building up inside of me, and I was worried that at one point I was going to burst.

Was I ever going to get a job? Was I going to graduate on time? Would I even graduate at all? Will I be jobless for the rest of my life just because I went after something that made me feel excited and fulfilled rather than mathematical? Will my tombstone read, 'Maddie McDougal, Eternally Undecided?'

It became clear that I was maybe jumping to conclusions. How am I dealing with this, you might ask?

So my major is currently going through a bit of a makeover, as am I. Everything about my life right now is uncertain—and I have to learn to be okay with that. I'm really trying to be okay with the unknown. One of the advisors (because as I mentioned previously, I'm a planner) that I met with this week told me not to put so much pressure on myself. This might be arguably one of the most overused statements spoken to workaholic college students ever, but the statement rang true.

The pressure doesn't have to be there if I let go of this idea that I'll be happier with the 'perfect' major and the 'perfect' grades. Like that will somehow lead me to the 'perfect' life. Because as afraid as I am of making an abrupt change to my career path, I'm even more afraid of being overwhelmed and miserable forever because I was too afraid to do something about it now.