I have hated this feeling for over a year now. I hate that I still sit up at night wondering how you are and what you're doing. I hate that I won't allow myself to feel things for someone else and I can't seem to let anyone in. You have caused more heartache in the last few months than the day you walked away.
Do you sit up at night and relive our adventures? Going to a Wild game and making complete fools of ourselves downtown St. Paul, road-tripping home to spend Easter at your mom's house for a few hours then quickly make our way to your dad's for dinner, planning a trip to Louisiana to spend the holidays with my family, and so much more.
I hope you look at the family picture with me in it and think back, wondering what could have been. I can't seem to get that image out of my mind.
You've been everywhere this summer. In my dreams. downtown, every song I listen to, every word I read; all of it screams you. I have to mentally prepare myself to go to work on the weekends and pray to God I don't see you downtown — let alone with a girl.
It's been a year; I understand that, but then again, I don't. Why should time depict when I get over what you gave me? You gave me a sense of home when I thought that town no longer felt like home, you gave me peace of mind when I was uneasy about life, you gave me laughter when I was having a rough day, but most of all, you gave me more love than I ever thought I deserved.
I never thought anyone would take care of me the way you did. You ensured I always had what I needed no matter what it was. Your family became my second family; I knew I could call them when I needed to and then some.
I want to reach out to you but I am not longer a thought that crosses your mind. You blocked me from your life in every way imaginable, maybe it's for the better or maybe it's for the worst. I will never know, because you never let me in.
I don't get why I had to be the one who didn't move on — why was I the one who got stuck? I have thought over and over again that maybe the reason I can't quite shake you is because you aren't supposed to be gone. Maybe our story isn't over yet, maybe we have more chapters to write. I won't know if I let this feeling pass, but maybe I don't need to find out. You could be a roadblock on the way to me finding my happiness.
This feeling isn't just something that is going to fade overnight. It's going to take months of thinking, journaling, weight lifting, and everything else imaginable to get you off my mind. Eventually I'll let it pass, but this summer won't be that time.