Athazagoraphobia: The irrational fear of being forgotten, forgetting, or being replaced.

This is something that I struggle so much with. And it sure doesn’t seem irrational to me. A reoccurring theme in my life seems to be me becoming close to multiple people, and then after a few months to a year, these people find someone else; someone better. This honestly bugs me, but it’s also something that I can understand. If that makes sense? Like, I expect people to eventually leave and for me to lose my place in their lives, because I know that I’m not really a “diamond in the rough” or a “rare treasure” of a friend. It’s kinda like if a child has never had dessert before, and their parent gives them a plain sugar cookie. They enjoy it, and think it’s so great, but eventually they discover brownies, ice cream, etc..

I do wonder if there is something about me that makes people leave or what it is that others have that I don’t that allow them to take my place. I question what I could possibly do to even have a chance at being a permanent figure in someone’s life. I have yet to figure this out, because I’ve come to find that I can’t do anything. I can’t make myself into a person that others desire to keep around. I can’t make myself into this confident, exciting type person. The thought of this actually brings me a great amount of distress. What’s so wrong with me that there’s always someone better? I find myself hoping for the day when someone informs me that they wish me to stick around for a long time, that they couldn’t imagine what life would be like if they didn’t know me. So far, that has yet to happen, but maybe one day I’ll be that person to someone.

Now, this is such a melancholy subject. But in the midst of the pain, confusion, and worry, I realized something. Yes, people may not wish me to be a permanent figure in their lives, for whatever their reasons, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot use my time to benefit them for the better. I can still bring them joy and happiness, and be a light to them, even while I can surely assume that I’ll be replaced in just a few short months. It’s like sunsets. Almost everyone loves to watch a good sunset, they bring joy and prove that endings can be beautiful, even for just those few minutes. We appreciate the sunset in the moment, but we don’t remember every sunset we have ever seen. We desire to see the next night’s sunset, because we know it will be much different than the last. We’re always yearning for the best sunset we’ve ever seen, and I guess part of me wishes that I was someone’s favorite sunset, the one in which they photograph because the wish to never forget. The sunset that someone always goes back to, even after watching a new one each night. What a beautiful tragedy this all is, but there’s hope. There’s hope that maybe one day, I’ll be that sunset.